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Its Cannes 2024, and youre not going and neither am I.
Might I suggest a board game inspired by theiconiquefestival of film?
(What resentful screenwriter lent their skills to that copy?)
Of course, you might bribe me with a hot invitation.
Cannesis a turn-based game of collecting resources.
To make an action movie, for example, you need a celebrity and a special effect.
To get a special effect, you need a computer.
The hexagonal tiles evoke a more popular game of exacting Germanic origin,Settlers of Catan.
At the top of the kingdom is, like, Vincent Gallo.
It takes a while to corral the group chat into playing.
We once reschedule to catch a self-distributed movie while its screening at the Roxy.
It feels like it contains the nuances of a real film festival, she says.
You have to get fucked-up, meet some disgusting old man …
I guess you should also be smoking cigars.
Indeed, tiny cardboard cigars represent the Harvey Weinsteins and Scott Rudins.
(Remember, we have returned to 2002.)
The game ends when the tiles run out, which Splotter thinks should take between 45 and 90 minutes.
We skewed toward 90.
I win, marginally, with 13 million dollars made from my romance film.
You arent evena local teen dressed in mandatory black tieholding a handmade sign asking for unused tickets.
Only two of us are going to the festival this year.
As we play, theyre texting about a room for rent, tallying euros.
Is it worth it?
It is so fun, the most fun, my friends tell me.
You just need to be there and see it.
Until then, Ill be practicing.
