Winter House
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All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me.
This entire episode was just talking about who in the house fancies whom.
Who has a crush on whom.
Who wants to fuck, marry, or kill everyone else in the house.
Meanwhile, no one is actually doing anything about it.
The only kissing we really got was Tom Schwartz cheating on his one true love with Kyle McGill Cooke.
For all of us, it was entertainment, but for Schwartz, it was real life.
It must be crazy.
That said, it was weird going back in time.
Well, I didnt until now.
Things seem to be brewing between Tom and Katie, not his ex but the stew fromBelow Deck Mediterranean.
(It will end badly with everyone thinking Toms dick doesnt work.)
Things, so far, are going well for Schwartz.
This is notJersey Shoreseason one.
They ask if he can see other people, and he says he doesnt know.
It is an absolute shock that no one ended up in the emergency room that night.
And this, right here, is why Amanda needs to be present.
She cant tame Kyle, but she can at least turn him down from an 11 to a 7.
An 8.8, but its better than 11.
Get Casey to the Hamptons immediately this summer.
This is when we learn a bit more about Alex, who was home-schooled through high school.
Im sorry, this is the biggest red flag I have ever heard.
Even Danielle is like, If you did a lot less, I would like you more.
I know there are cameras around, but if youve gotten this far, then ditch the swimsuits.
Danielle literally says, I want to make out with you, but youre not making it possible.
Alexs lack of game is a little bit like his horrible back tattoos.
So Katie and Tom buy two entire grocery carts full of food.
What is everyone having for dinner, then?
Oh, dont worry, theyre not cooking; theyre ordering Chinese food.
Then what is all of that food for?
So that Kyle can have more watermelons to waste when hes wasted?
The party is also pirate-themed for some reason.
Its like St. Patricks Day but pirate-themed.
Tom Schwartz has on this curly blond wig, and he looks like the bassist from Warrant.
Kyle Cooke has on a white wig with a tiny ponytail like hes George Washington.
Im not going to lie, the Revolutionary War cosplay got me turned on a bit.
The British are coming, the British are coming, indeed.
Oh God, in the spirit of this show, why cant they just have a three-way already?
Tom was all alone since his roomie Alex was otherwise occupied.
Hes was about to doze off when he heard the door open.
He thought nothing of it.
It was probably just Alex, dripping wet from the hot tub.
Alex, dont get in my bed all wet!
Its not Alex, Kyle said, nuzzling into Toms neck.
Remember when I said if I had enough Loverboy that I would make out with you?
Well, I have had enough Loverboy.
But wont she care?
No, she says as long as its dudes, it doesnt count.
