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This piece was originally published in February.
We are recirculating it now timed toCocaine Bearsstreaming debut on Peacock.
When she comes down, she starts tweaking.
The hikers standing between her and a brick?
A ranger who comes after her with a gun?
A gangbanging teenager who smells of the white stuff?
Entrails arent off the table.
Theyre half the menu.
She and her cubs once disembowel a drug kingpin and slurp up his guts like thick noodles.
Lets see how she fares in these clashes (while shes coked out, of course).
Jaws vs.
Cocaine Bear
Black bears are good swimmers and take to the water easily.
Oneonce swam14 miles along the Gulf of Mexico.
Winner:Cocaine Bear
Birds vs.
Cocaine Bear
Alfred Hitchcocks birds have strength in numbers.
Plus all the birds that took a bite out of the bear would end up smacked.
Winner:Birds (and theyd get a free bump out of it)
Snakes vs. Luckily for Cocaine Bear, shes used to sniffing out narcotics and would find the antivenom.
Then her penchant for slurping up noodle-y things would take care of the snakes.
The alien fromNopevs.
Winner:Jean Jacket.
The chimp fromNopevs.
Cocaine Bear
Gordy is strong, fast, and mad at hell at his exploitation.
Like, this ape is willing to kill children he has worked with for years on a family sitcom.
Meanwhile, Cocaine Bear doesnt have the guts to kill children she has known for mere hours.
Winner:Gordy (duh)
Bear fromThe Revenantvs.
Cocaine Bear
What starts as a fight ends in aMr.
and Mrs. Smithtype situation.
Winner:Love
Paddington Bear vs.
Lets justsay that this is a possibility.Because we really cant stand to see Paddington mauled.
Winner:Paddington
Winnie the Pooh vs.
Cocaine Bear
Pooh just dont have that dog in him.
(At least notDisneys version.)
Moby-Dick(the book) vs.
Cocaine Bear
Throw that heavy-ass tome at her.
Winner:Classic American literature
Lyle the Crocodile vs.
The coke-fueled aggression gives way to bliss.
Winner:Musical theater
Mr. Tumnus vs.
Winner:Mr. Tumnus
Ratatouille vs.
Winner:Toss up
Marcel the Shell vs.
Cocaine Bear
Marcel and his family are scrappy.
His brother once impaled an enemy with a brush.
Lets say that Marcel finds a way to get the bear to fall on an upright butcher knife.
The bear isnt dead, but the shell hang-glides on a Dorito to safety.
He then calls animal control.
Winner:Marcel the Shell
