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Next up is Zach Zimmerman.
The window was jammed.
I immediately ran away and hid in a closet.
Stupid!, thinking if I punished myself enough, Id be spared.
Also, What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese didverywell at the fifth-grade Monterey Elementary School lunch table.
What unscripted or reality series do you think youd excel at?
What archetype do you think youd be?The Amazing Race.
I couldnt do any of the bungee-jumping or skydiving, but thats what your partner is for.
I think Id be the Crier.
Theyre an essential part of the ensemble, providing emotional release and catharsis.
Im easily moved by the melancholic beauty of humanity, so that, combined with the jet lag?
There are gonna be waterworks.
Phil Keoghan, you know how to reach me.
Whats your proudest achievement of your comedy career so far?I wrote a book!
Made a lot of friends.
And Im gonna be happy in spite of it.
Youre confirmation of that.
That meant a lot to me.
Tell us everything about your worst show ever.
(This can involve venue, audience, other comedians on the lineup, anything!
)Ive had my fair share of rough shows, each with its own wonderful lesson.
(Never come between people and their food).
I once did a show at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe where the room smelled of vomit.
Fresh or old, you ask?
But my worst show in recent memory was in Seattle.
It was my first time there, and I was playing a little 65-seat theater.
It sold out to 63 Seattle fans of mine (I love you!
), and two random women who were just there.
One of them was very drunk.
), but her timing was terrible, and she was ruining jokes.
They had brought me some fancy chocolates from a local chocolatier: Frans!
They were in this gorgeous purple square box so delicate, pristine.
They congratulated me on my recent late-night set, remembered seeing me in shows in college.
Then the drunk ladys friend made her way over.
When Jerry finally did come over, it was combative.
I tried to explain sometimes questions in stand-up are rhetorical, but she stood her ground.
You wanted us to interact!
She thought she was helping …
We parted ways, and I talked to some other fans.
Suddenly, her friend fell at the back of the room.
Jerry went to help, and I went over to see what she had been doing to my stuff.
chocolates in a little row at the edge of the bar table.
I felt so violated.
For a good show!
You didnt earn the chocolates.
Id lived a life of ignorance up until this point.
Jerry stole two chocolates and my innocence.
At this show, I realized theres a deep, ancient evil inside us all.
But there is also justice.
Since I had sold the tickets directly, I had Jerrys email.
I sent her a note giving her a chance to apologize.
Frans Chocolates heard about the ordeal, though, and sent me a box of chocolates.
Its true what they say: Life is like a box of chocolates sometimes a drunk heckler ruins it.
They would be:
You know me … blessed and highly favored!
And thats what you missed onGlee!
There is no ethical consumption under capitalism.
Our Lord works in mysterious ways.
I am empathetic to both individuals in the situation.
Somebody needs a sweet tea!
Were all gonna die.
Cant we all just get along?
We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.
She rattled off a few examples, and I asked her what mine was.
She paused and said, I promise I was invited.
It could work as an aside/catchphrase though.
(I was at the Daytime Emmys I promise I was invited.
I went to an orgy the other weekend I promise I was invited.)
Shes doing great, but I think she should be a megastar and household name yesterday.
Beth, if this pops up on your Google Alert, I love you!
Also, I just saw Pierre Novellie at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
Hes famous in the U.K., but I think he should be famous everywhere!
Its four minutes and 33 seconds of crisp, clean silence.
Worst: Life is like a box of chocolates sometimes a drunk heckler ruins it.
