Vanderpump Rules
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It breaks my entire heart to say this, but Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney is right about everything.
Now, lets not be outlandish.
As right as Katie is, Raquel is just as wrong.
Thats the thing that has really struck me about Raquel this season how erratic shes gotten.
Shes like a slot machine that has guzzled a whole case of Monster energy drinks.
There are two things that Katie is the rightest about.
The first is when she asks her, mid-confrontation, What are you doing right now?
No one has the foggiest.
The other is she tells her to take your six personalities somewhere else.
So its not just us; Katie sees it too!
That is where she buys thelightning bolt necklacethat she and Sandoval both wore as a kind of in-joke.
He says she has only agreed with him less than five times in their entire relationship.
I will repeat a previous point that I made: He could stop being wrong about everything.
Yes, that is quality time, but those are also one-time events.
you might have both of those.
you’ve got the option to have insane adventures together, but that is not enough.
The mundane binds us as couples, and the relationship starts to fray when he starts ignoring that binding.
No trips on mushrooms can knit that back together.
But this does seem like Sandoval is setting up his breakup with Ariana.
The problem is Ariana doesnt seem to give him the out he thinks she will.
Shes still insisting on working it out.
(Pause for three hours and 17 minutes so that we can all stop laughing.)
Oh, wait, itsalready out of business.
(And poor Scheana is stuck at home with COVID!)
Thanks to revising history as we are witnessing it, its even better.
Then Raquel pulls Ariana aside and asks what is up with her and Sandoval.
That said, everything that happens in the conversation is bonkers.
How does she do this with a straight face?
Thats how you say it, right?
Then Raquel is pumping Ariana up, telling her shes prettier than she thinks.
Um, this is what you say to your friend whose boyfriend youve been jerking off with over Zoom?
That is so cold that Paula Abdul once sang a song about it.
The real kicker, though, is when Raquel asks if Ariana wants to stay in the relationship.
What she was hoping for, what they were both hoping for, was that she would say no.
They want Ariana to give up.
They did not get that.
Ariana, instead, says that she does.
Shes in it for the long haul.
Sorry, Sandy, youre screwed.
This, folks, is why you dont believe Deux Moi.
Either someone just made this whole thing uporthey saw Raquel making out with Sandoval and got their Toms confused.
Either way, dont believe it.
This is when Katie asks, What are you doing right now?
Is she trying to be relevant to stay on the show?
Is she just trying to start a fight like she tried to with Lala at Scheanas wedding?
Raquel tells Katie that it is none of her business who Schwartz makes out with, which is true.
What shes missing is that Katie literally told both of them not to hook up, and they did.
Thats what she cares about.
Thats why shes mad.
Its a specific betrayal, not the vague specter of him hooking up with another girl.
We see where Katie gets it, and you know what?
Its justified all around.
Shes defending the woman who betrayed her.
I cant even look anymore.
I cant pry my eye away.
She cant stop it.
She doesnt have the Witches of WeHo at her back anymore.
She only has Lala and Kristina Kelly (names both always!
), and theyre hardly doing anything.
Shes rolling her eyes at Katies mom.
Shes giggling when Katie storms out of the scene.
What is even happening in her brain?
Is she computing the same scene we are?
On her way out, Katie hits Tom Schwartz, who says, Why are you mad at me?
I didnt do anything.
Yes, Tom, that is exactly it.
He was hiding behind the fake ficus, trying to stay out of the fray.
He could have tried to tamp it down a little bit.
He tried to play all sides, be the nice guy, and not defend Katie again.
Raquel is now attempting an apology that is so weak it couldnt even die in its own bed.
Katie tries to send her away, but Schwartz tries to get Katie to listen.
You see how Schwartz never defended her or had her back.
Almost, almost, almost.
Its so close, like a word you cant remember, like a sense of right and wrong.
