Vanderpump Rules
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Watching this episode ofVanderpump Rules, I realized that we are deep into the second act.
(Based on the previews for next week, I think were just getting started.)
If were being perfectly honest, it broke my brain.
I also came twice.
Then, when you add the Sandoval of it all, my gourd just isnt big enough.
Sandoval says with a bagel-eating grin just as their order is called and they drop the conversation.
But he knew that he was hooking up with Raquel by this time.
Well, they had at least made out.
Sandoval responds, Nothing has happened.
Like nothing that wouldnt happen between, like, you know, me and Katie.
I mean, Scheana literally said that she would trust her husband in bed with Raquel.
Siri, insert a billion vomit emoji.
What would this season have looked like if the affair never came to light?
Would we all have been debating whether or not they were boning?
Katie and Lala are so mean theyre making this whole thing up.
Also, what was Toms plan here?
Its almost as confounding as going to a fertility clinic and saying, Im here for my jizz results.
James interprets this as them having an open relationship.
But wouldnt they all know this?
These arent Housewives who just met a few seasons ago.
These are a group of friends for a decade who hang out with each other in the off-season.
If these two were shagging on the side, everyone would have been in on the secret.
Ally, a novice, thinks she should talk to Ariana about it.
Is this really a good idea, though?
Isnt this the setup for the farce?
As Ally says, In my friend group, its not normal to see an ex.
Usually, you break up with them and never see them again.
In this friend group, youre looking around, and youre like its nothing but exes.
Isnt that the whole conundrum of the show at this point?
Ally has her lunch with Scheana, which does not go according to plan.
Youre still a novice.
True to her word, Scheana tells Sandoval right away, but it doesnt blow out into the open.
Scheana says, Id love an Ariana make-out sesh.
Alright, alright, the fault here is mostly with Tom Schwartz.
As James tells them about his gig at Imagine Fest in Atlanta, Schwartz says, Thats huge.
Is it bigger than Rachella?
referencing whenJames proposed to Raquel last year.
Jamess tragic flaw is that he cant handle his anger.
It would have been totally justified if Schwartz had made that awful joke and James immediately threw the drink.
But, as Charli says, You cant throw drinks at people.
During all this, Katie and Lala take their men to find a bar and leave the mess behind.
They text Kristina Kelly (Always what?
Yeah, you know by now.)
to come to meet them at the bar.
This wakes up the sleeping giant of Tom and Lalas feud from when he hung out with Randall.
The two just start insulting each other quite loudly in a public place.
Here is Lala on Schwartz:
Not a single lie detected.
Here is Schwartz on Lala:
Again, not a single lie detected.
All we can do is take one of the mediocre-looking chicken wings and chomp along as they fight.
Youre a good mother, and then laughs.
Oh, shut all the way fucking up, Schwartz.
Lala tells Katie that Tom was out of line for making fun of her face.
Lala takes every opportunity to call Raquel stupid, but a joke about her fake lips is too far?
Get onto the next bus back to Utah with that skullduggery and nonsense.
(Is that whatskullduggerymeans?
I dont know.)
Ally flicks his straw and it sends some liquid straight into his eye.
Sandoval tells him it is 115-proof alcohol and to wash it out.
James runs for the toilet, tripping on the way and whimpering as he washes out his eye.
Im not a pussy, James says.
I heard you laughing while I was calling for you.
Oh, James youre just are a scared little boy, and thats okay.
Im telling you its okay.
But Ally has the best counter to James for his behavior the whole day.
Ally shouts at him, No one wants to see you make a fool out of yourself.
No one is enjoying it … sit down and shut up.
We want to see themallmake fools of themselves.
Because its a farce, and it would be hilarious if my heart didnt break 19 different ways.
