The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip
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I wanted what we had before.
But I cant be mad at the show for being something other than what I wanted it to be.
Just look at Luann.
The episode starts with her silver fox hunting on the shores of St. Barths.
The guys wife walks up and hands him a popsicle, which he hands off to Luann.
Ramona wakes up and says shes dizzy.
Sonja replies, Oh, not that again!
Its so simple but so hilarious.
I dont know, but I love it.
Ramona is yelling at Sonja that she cant find six pairs of her shoes.
Sonja opens one of the closet doors and there they are.
Oh, what about Ramonas drunken tantrum when she asks Martin for her underwear and bikinis?
Anyone who has watched even a moment of this program knows this is Ramonas fault, not his.
Its just who we remember and love/loathe/love to loathe.
But out of context, shes just a clown.
Theres no story, just antics.
The rest of the women just feel relaxed and renewed.
But not our Sonja.
Shes too clenched up.
Shes too unsure in her body.
I shouldnt rag on it too much.
Wow, do I need to go to St. Barts?
Speaking of the Pirate, whose real name is Tomas, Luann FaceTimes him at dinner.
She says he checks in now and again, and sometimes they hang out.
Does that mean they finally, actually, really, literally boned?
You know what they say, Luann: Dont marry the banker; marry the bank.
At the disco-themed dinner, everyone looks a little bit costumey.
Luann is wearing a bedazzled hat over a white Party City wig.
Sonja wrangled herself into a jumpsuit with a weird cutout on the hip, or else it completely split.
Dorinda is wearing a fur vest that lights up.
(Remember the Brandi GlanvilleeraHousewiveswhen every new cast member was issued one of these vests?)
The only one who actually looks chic is Kristen, who is rocking a copper spangly see-through pantsuit.
If you told me it was vintage Halston, I wouldnt be surprised.
Dinner is fairly uneventful, and everyone talks about the highs and lows of the trip.
The astrologer they visit says its because theyre too much alike.
The sweetest moment is when Ramona talks about how much she loves Sonja and spending time with her.
Sonja also punctuates this by saying she learned she has to text Ramona back.
She adds, Ive learned tips.
Ive been watching YouTube.
One big SMIFFEE (Sonja Morgan Is My Favorite Floozy for Ever and Eternity) for her.
Luanns friend Carole Non-Radziwill brings a bunch of hot studs, too.
There was something about the party that seemed fun but a little sad.
Its like, why not just have fun with your girlfriends on the last night?
But in their jeans?
Come on, Lu.
Youve been known to charm the pants off any man, so why not one of these boys?
The episode gets its perfect closing vignette on the way to the airport.
Not only is he handsome, but the blur also goes all the way down to his knees.
The shark finally got her prey.
He braces both arms against the vanity and holds his head over the sink.
He pulls at his neck, and strangely, it starts moving and bubbling up like its coming apart.
But its not skin at all; its latex.
