The Real Housewives of Orange County
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Do you know what is so great aboutCandy Crush?
Its so basic, its so easy, its so simple to win.
Fighting with Alexis Bellino is like playingCandy Crush.
They make every conflict so boring.
The Lord Jesus messed up with my entire sex.
Tamra tells us what she knows about Ryan and where she got all the information.
There is an account on Instagram that broke everything down, she says.
The internet is made of porn and lies.
If it isnt one, it is the other, including this here recap that I basically invented.
Dont believe any of these things are in the show.
Or maybe you should, and its porn.
I dont know what gets you off (and I dont think I want to).
I take it back.
That is absolutely terrible.
I commend Emily for her continued support of this organization.
Ill even send them some cash to help them fight the good fight.
I didnt mean to be altruistic in this recap.
He says that the FBI is investigating his friend Mike, a professional gambler who runs a bookie business.
Someone at the table asks if bookies are legal, and, boy, they sure arent!
Speaking of which, can we lay this fight between Emily and Heather to rest?
Heather tells her shes crazy and that she looks great.
Because there will always be the fat Emily lurking inside of her, telling her that shes no good.
But Im not doing that anymore because it will never get through to Emily.
What I will say is that we can do something about it.
Emily mentions how she has been called every name in the book.
So, Im not going to tell Emily that she looks great.
You dont have to like Emily or how she looks.
(Warning to visitors: Never go in those phone booths.
They are filled with nothing but urine and the ghosts of Victorian chimney sweeps.)
This is the second instance of a Housewife sending flowers to an event she wasnt invited to this year.
This was a genius Housewives move.
What Alexis does is a total flop.
Once the flowers arrive, Shannon tells the ladies she crafted a text message to Alexis.
Hello, Alexis, its Shannon Beador, this devilish missive begins.
Is this text message an English person on holiday in Spain?
Because it is a sick burn.
They arrive and tell Alexis to get her phone to read the message.
She goes upstairs and asks John where her phone is.
This chicken is in the house and he wont even come down to talk about this on-camera.
I would like to refute all of Alexiss arguments about the text one by one.
Easy, because your boyfriend is suing Shannon maliciously, and she would rather not ruin her entire trip.
Im extending an olive branch, and Im always getting shit on, she says.
Correct, but the olive branch was entirely ceremonial and in Alexiss best interest.
She has no interest in making amends with Shannon, and everyone knows it.
I want peace in this group.
Thats all I want, she says.
No, that is not what she did.
What is she so hung up on?
Um,the lawsuit, you freakin dummy.
She offered your man all the money he wanted, and he turned it down.
She offered him a check!
He could have just cashed it and let everyone move on with their lives.
This is all triggered by her actions.
She then slams the door behind them.
She couldnt even nicely say, This is a lot for me to handle.
Do you mind if we talk later?
Katie and Jenn stand in the driveway, dumbfounded.
They look up at Alexiss house, and it stars glowing a bit around the edges.
The ground starts shaking, car alarms go off, and the light intensifies.
