The Real Housewives of Orange County
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LikeGeorge Costanza and the pigeons, I thought I had a deal with the Real Housewives.
Now, the women themselves are right there in the show stealing my material.
Tamra says exactly what I was going to say, This is not revolutionary.
This is like Instagram Live, or TikTok, or OnlyFans.
However, theres just, um, not much there.
But before we can totally roast Heathers party, lets first take on Ryan.
Jenns mother, Kristen, is in town to meet Ryan for the first time.
Jenn says shes worried that her mother is going to say about Ryan, Absolutely not.
Youre out of your damn mind.
Jenn, like so many Housewives, says her mother is her best friend.
Well, why is she lying not only to her mother but also her BFF 4EVA LYLAS?
Just last episode Jenn told Ryanto his facethat shes worried that someone came between them.
Ryan is totally going to cheat on this woman.
This man is a dud, and the only one who doesnt seem to see it is Jenn.
Yeah, thats a good boy.
Thats a good boy.
And praise be to Satan or whatever dark creature you worship for Gina saying that.
Yeah, Emilys not great.
); shes passing her caviar around the table because she doesnt want to eat fish eggs.
But then why would Heather say, But thats in the Vault.
That was Shannons gripe.
I dont know; I believe Emily on this one.
This comes up again when all of the ladies land in Mexico.
Its also where Scheana got married.
It had gone through when she had her big party and said nothing.
But its not just about the house.
You really have to work hard to keep either of those tortures quiet.
Im with all of the women on this, that it just feels weird that Heather didnt mention anything.
Heather Dubrow does more calculation than the Abacus World Championships.
There is no way this happened without her orchestrating the whole thing.
Its really the opposite end of the spectrum.
Everyone was mad at Shannon for saying things off-camera that she didnt want to discuss on camera.
Everyones mad at Heather for discussing things on camera but not discussing those things with them.
I think what Heather did was worse.
Shannons crime is not wanting to look like a dick.
Heathers crime is being a dick and not caring if she looks like one.
It starts when Emily is actually defending Heather and saying she didnt care about her totally staged paparazzi pictures.
But Emily thinks it is only about her comment about the HDs.
Then Emily says Heather body-shamed her because she compared some cookies to her boobs.
(Yeah, I dont get it either.)
Then Heather is mad that Emily said she wore a whole training costume for the slip-and-slide.
Then they just start calling each other shitty friends, and the whole thing devolves.
But theyre stuck on this cast, so here we are.
You are not held to any standard, Emily says.
You get to be pretentious.
You get to be a jerk.
You get to be self-centered.
You get to be egocentric, and we all have to be like, Thats just Heather.
(Emily also gets extra Intro to Writing credits for the parallel structure.)
That kind of sucks.
Now, if only they would stop taking my jokes, then all of us could be happy.
