The Real Housewives of New York City
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Did Bravo just, New phone, who dis?
They just went straight in with no lube, didnt they?
I would never call Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Wesson Oil Morgans an old woman.
But we get no explanation of what happened to the [ahem] former cast.
Have they been banished to the lower level?
Did they clean and decorate down there?
Did they make it nice?
Is it someplace they want to Go to sleep!
Go to sleep!?
Oh yeah, shes a true New Yorker.
What can we say?
Publicists gonna publicist.
Shes [jazz hands] quirky.
Shes not a bitch, but shes alsonotnot a bitch.
I loved all of their vague descriptions.
And from there, we are right into the hangouts, and we are right into the petty drama.
Cant we even get a breath first?
How about a house tour?
Can we see one of their husbands shirtless?
They think we want a fight and, dagnabbit, a fight we will see.
We see two factions.
She then tells us she got a note from her kids school saying he had blowout diarrhea.
Come on, Erin.
We all know that the idiom is projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea.
A blowout is what you pay too much for when you have a date night with your husband.
Yes, we are fighting about her weird cheese.
Sai comes out with a bottle of Veuve and says, Champs for all.
Sorry, but Heather Dubrow has that expression trademarked.
You are going to have to send her $50 in the mail.
Then they posted about it.
Do they not teach Social Media Common Sense in the Brooklyn school system because Sai has none.
And shes supposed to be an influencer.
Erin is talking about the same thing with Ubah, and she says that the restaurant shouldnt matter.
It should be all about them being together as a group and enjoying each others company.
Were all on Erins side.
Im sorry, but they made the right call.
I know, I know, its an asshole thing to do.
M-er F-ing C-A-T-C-H?!
I wouldnt sit in that restaurant with someone elses ass.
Totally team Brynn and Sai on this one.
Post away, ladies, and be free.
This makes for a horrible friend but an excellent Housewife.
You get that luxury.
Also, there are plenty of parents who never want to be away from their children.
This will make you look like someone who pays the nannies to raise their own kids.
Know who hangs out in bathrooms?
Is that what youre saying, Erin?
You and your sister spend lots of time doing coke in bathrooms?
A 25-year-old New Yorker is like a 35-year-old, I dont know, Kentucky girl.
Okay, thats backward.
If youre 35 and in Kentucky, youre already a grandparent.
A 35-year-old New Yorker just started making enough money to afford Dominos once a week.
Thats why we get married and have kids so late.
Wow, I thought they fired Ramona, but there she is.
I mean, that gives you a pretty wide range.
You could mix and match even.
Why are they all stumped by this?
That is because they are not Jenna Lyons.
Okay, for me, there has never been an aspiration Housewife dot dot dot until now.
The chicest thing in the entire universe is having a Manhattan apartment with an elevator that opens into it.
Erin says she doesnt know what to make of Jenna because shes so odd.
Okay, whats so odd about her, Erin?
She hates dill, but shelovesparsley.
She likes olives, but not the black ones, she says.
Um, that just makes her a picky eater and also correct because black olives are garbage.
I swear to God they are made with smegma and compressed dumpster juice pressed into spherical shapes.
So just go on being wrong yet again, Erin.
It seems like that is what you do best.
Jenna has everyone over to get to know them, and she, of course, serves only cheese.
That bitch said, Oh, they think cheese is weird.
Okay, not really, but that is the Jenna of my mind.
But that move is like one tippy-toe step away from animosity and passive aggression, which is perfectly admirable.
It looks like the O from an Oprah magazine cover but made out of gold tinsel and merkin lint.
Brynn arrives and shes scared about confronting Erin because she says Erin takes everything personally.
Yeah, we could tell.
We can tell just by looking at Erins highlights that she takes everything personally.
Luckily, Jenna first makes them play a game where they all talk about sex.
Brynn is talking about her ideal porn, and its about a massage that goes too far.
I LOLd IRL fr fr.
Ugh, do we have to?
Do we have to fight?
Cant we all just get to know each other first?
Im sure you will find plenty of things to hate about each other; just give it time.
Why are we forcing this fight about cheese that no one understands?
Maybe we would understand this fight if there was footage of this party.
I think there is.
That is just my theory.
No one cares, not in that room, not anywhere.
Then Erin takes Brynn to the other room to finish their conflict in peace.
God, Erin, just stop.
Stop trying so goddamn hard.
Were one episode in, and all fights on the show are already about the show!
I hoped we might have a little time.
I hoped with a whole cast of newbies no one would play by the rules.
I think that ship has sailed.
