The Real Housewives of Miami
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Im not ready for all of this heartache.
Its been 17 years into Housewifery, and we have seen all sorts of insane things.
We have seen a boat nearly capsize.
We have seen multiple people go to prison.
Among all of those stories, we have never had a cancer story.
Okay, thats not entirely true.
But we have never seen a Housewife have to deal with cancer.
Until now, and I am not at all ready for it.
I love Guerdy so much and I am not ready to see her suffer.
Throughout the episode, we see the diagnosis settling in.
They sit in Nicoles new backyard on the water, and Guerdy talks about some abnormalities in her mammogram.
She tells her not to worry.
Its no big deal.
And weve all been there.
Weve had our scares.
Weve had mole biopsies and colonoscopies that were slightly irregular.
This happens to all of us, and its nothing.
Dont worry, Guerdy.
Shed been beefing with Larsa all episode because she called Larsa fake.
What is it with Housewives and being called fake?
Its like the worst thing you could possibly say to them.
Guerdy pulls her aside, grabs her by her wrist, and says, Look at me.
Im going to need you.
I dont want to fight.
When I call you, I need you to come.
Oh, but its making sense to us.
We know what she means when she says shes going to need Larsa.
Shes going to need all of them, and shes going to need all ofus.
Most of us watch these shows for fun.
What we dont want to see is them facing their mortality.
When you call us, we will come.
I was here for it, but it hit differently.
Then we find out that hes Canadian, and it all makes the most sense of all.
Nothing has really changed from last season.
Lesbians gonna lesbian even if one of them is bisexual.
Also, why cant the goat just wear a dog diaper?
If there was ever a metaphor for their whole relationship.
Oh, Todd, tell them all to shut up.
Middle-aged people shouldnt be using social media anyway.
Any of us could have made this mistake.
But the real problem with the party is Adriana.
As a result of that lunch, Alexia has lunch with Adriana, who arrives waving a white flag.
Alexia, on the other hand, is all, Ugh, always with the props.
But this is how Adriana makes good TV.
Shes crazier than an eject lever on a helicopter, but she knows what shes doing.
I guess some shit sandwiches can be eaten as long as it leads to a paycheck.
Then the party comes, and its a bit of an anti-climax.
This is a missed opportunity.
Anthony couldnt have driven one more mile?
Or maybe a half a mile?
Whatever it would have taken.
But the party turns quickly when Guerdy is ready to leave.
Its all so fragile, really.
Were all so fragile.
