The Real Housewives of Miami
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What I love aboutMiamiis that it is so dumb.
That is a compliment.
What are we fighting about in this episode?
Whether or not Michael Jordan approves of Larsa and Marcuss relationship or their podcastCompletely Unnecessary With Larsa and Marcus.
I mean, all of this is fucking stupid in the best possible way.
Miami is a deeply unserious city, and this is a deeply unserious cast.
Thats what makes it fun.
Thats what makes Miami sizzle.
But, girl, we are really getting deep here too.
I mean cancer, accidents, divorces, and lemonade stands that have more merchandise than they do sales.
Marcus says its hilarious if you know his dad.
of staging their breakup for press attention.
Yes, theyreback together.
Well, why were they rushing?
Is it money troubles?
See, this is what I mean.
But what we care about more is her as a mother.
Now, if only he would take on the responsibility of removing his awful tattoos.
This fight is so fucking dumb.
Its so dumb that it cant make ice because it lost the recipe.
So, on the Gondola Ride From Hell, Guerdy gave Larsa a little love bite on her arm.
Sister, dont you get the point?
Just cause its nameless doesnt mean its harmless.
She says this like Guerdy attacked her.
Shes now saying that the bite made her arm hurt.
Then Larsa says, I feel like Guerdy is always looking for reasons to be mad at me.
That may be true, but the real problem is that she always finds them.
Then Larsa tells Guerdy, Im worried for you; go take care of your health.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shes the one who put Guerdys health in peril when she told everyone about her cancer diagnosis.
As Dr. Nicole says, this woman is going to chemo the next day; maybe dial it back.
Whatever you say, Guerdy.
Even worse, in her confessional, Larsa says, What else can I say to this poor woman?
Like Im a victim here, too.
Im sick, too.
Im sick over it.
Oh, my God.
The argument is over.
Why do you deal with this?
Russell asks her repeatedly.
Now that the altercation is over, everything moves outside, where we get Adrianas performance.
Everyone is having a great time.
After that, he starts dancing with Kiki, who is a good 300 feet taller than him.
Hes loving it, though.
How can we tell?
When hes done, his girlfriend points out that he has a boner.
The camera zooms right in on it, andboom, there is the dickprint right there on his khakis.
I mean, there is no mistaking this.
This is likeJon Hamm on the set ofMad Mendick.
Its so big I could almost feel it slap on my face through the television.
Even Kiki, a dildo connoisseur, says, Its long, and its big.
I have a feeling that he would thoroughly enjoy this send-off.
Adriana gets an update: She still sucks, and we still love her.
But theres only one update that matters.
I tell you, I cried.
Guerdy is cancer-free, the screen tells us.
What else matters, indeed?
Is it your shitty podcasts and your shitty boyfriends parents, and your shitty jokes about being bitten?
Is it the size of your apartment or the number of bullied pigs youve adopted?
Is it your dance singles and squabbles and fights with your asshole ex-husband, who everyone always thought sucked?
No, none of that matters.
So what else matters?
I want to thank you, she says.
I dont know what I would have done without you.
You do the rest, she tells him.
Then he takes out the clippers and starts on the back of her head.
Guerdy can barely sit there.
Is it bald, bald?
It doesnt look bad at all.
