The Golden Bachelor
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At last, the final sacred prophecy of our TV ancestors has come to be.
Gerry (pronounced Gary) Turner is an active senior, age 71.
Hes retired from the restaurant and food-distribution business and loves playing pickleball.
He was happily married to his high-school sweetheart, Toni, for 43 years.
Together, they had two daughters and two granddaughters.
He isnt looking for someone to replace her who could?
but dreams of finding a second true love.
In recounting the loss of his wife, Gerry (understandably!)
Is this what the bends feels like?
The Golden Bachelor, a.k.a.
the Gatch, is handsome, sweet, and appealingly goofy.
As for the contestants, the casting department for thisMuppet Babies-but-the-other-way-around version ofThe Bachelorreally outdid themselves.
They are also physically unable to stop complimenting each other: Great hair!
These ladies may not be here to make friends, but theyre certainly notnothere to make friends.
Here are some of the most notable future Mrs. Gatch hopefuls:
Roberta, we made it!
one woman shouts as she climbs out of the limo.
This is Ellen, 71, alias Robertas Friend.
Youve got my attention!
The mild-mannered cursing enthusiast made a good impression on me, if not necessarily on the Gatch.
(At least, not yet!
Thats one hell of a dating resume line item.
I didnt do that!
Ive got six grandsons!
A widow, Theresalost her husband nine years ago.
Later, Gerry presents her with a cupcake complete with a pair of 7-0 candles.
The Gatch takes a bite and, at his urging, she kisses frosting off his mouth.
This should be absolutely disgusting, but … in context … with these people … its kind of cute?
So is Theresa, for the record.
It was her first kiss in forever, and it felt incredible.
With Aprilwe meet the closest equivalent to a traditional cast pot-stirrer thatThe Golden Bachelorhas to offer.
October, for example, sees her wearing a witchs hat in front of a spooky castle.
I already know Im going to need much more of this woman than ABC is going to give me.
Now, answer me this what is Aprils profession?
Reader, the woman is a therapist.
(And if youre out of internet, see if she can at least swing you a calendar.)
We see you, Kathy, and we appreciate you.
Susan looks like Kris Jenner.
So far, respectfully, this seems to be the primary thing to know about Susan.
song on acoustic guitar.
It does not hurt her cause that she is also very beautiful.
Unsurprisingly, Faith wins the first impression rose.
They, too, smooch, albeit without the need for any confectioners sugarbased mouth lubricant.
Every time the limo door opened, he says, it was like the best Christmas ever.
All the contestants I spotlighted above survive night one.
(Thank you for your service.)
I cant begin to imagine what but you and I will forge that river together.
In the meantime, I will happily eat this treacle by the fistful.
Join me; theres plenty to go around.
