The Golden Bachelor
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You may be wondering, as I was: Will tonights (live!)
finale address these allegations?
It turns out that Gerry managed to pull off a pretty serious heel turn all on his own.
I could go on.
But I didnt imagine just how gnarly it would get.
This is all systems go, as far as Gerrys daughters are concerned.
But what does Leslie have to worry about?
As she recalls it, in the fantasy suite, he told her she was the one.
Surely Gerry wouldnt no.
But … is Gerry?
If youre ever playing poker with Gerry and he starts repeating, Okay?
All right, youre going to want to go all in.
Then the evening takes an excruciating turn.
She tells him she loves him very, very much.
Thats such a special sentiment.
I am fairly certain that, according to the Geneva Conventions, this technically constitutes a war crime.
I can feel it, he begins to say but trails off.
Gerry segues into a speech that sure feels like hes dumping Leslie.
Be happy, he tells her, and I can feel my blood pressure rise in real time.
Is there something you want to tell me?
He only shakes his head, referring vaguely to the tough decision ahead … and then kisses her good-bye?
Put this relationship out of its misery, dude.
In the studio, a shocked murmur runs through the audience.
The crowd hasturnedon Gerry even Jesse is visibly wincing.
Gerry returns to Leslies hotel room and finally shares that hes made his decision: Hes picking Theresa.
Or, rather: Thats the direction Im going to take.
Leslies anger is righteous and incandescent.
She is a sight to behold.
Hes sorry, but what good is that to her now?
Her rejoinder instantly secures itself a place in the great reality-TV canon.
Gerry, no offense I can think whatever the fuck I want.
The studio audience cheers and applauds.
The premise ofThe Golden Bachelorwas that, yes, there is at least one good man out there.
My heart breaks for Leslie, whose devastation is clear and understandable.
No one chooses me, she cries.
You made it sound like you chose me.
Its mind-boggling that he could change his mind in the course of a day.
Not even a day, but 12 hours.
At least this spares her the singular, spectacular shame of a non-proposal, she says.
Someone, kindly, God, leak me a photo of her would-have-been $60,000 proposal dress immediately.
Cut to Leslie in the studio, looking glamorous and quite the part for the first all-but-announced Golden Bachelorette.
(Its the least they can do!)
What followed was the happiest day of her life.
She even wrote her vows.
Leslie is better prepared for this confrontation than most presidential candidates are for debates.
Its not that their relationship went wrong, but it was just better with someone else.
I dont know if I accept your apology, but I understand, she says.
From there, its one hell of a hard pivot into the proposal.
The lovebirds finally make their first appearance together IRL, and sure, they do seem smitten.
Jesse Palmer asks what really happened during the overnight date.
Subtle realizations, Gerry says.
I knocked his boots off, Theresa says.
The first-ever Golden Wedding is coming to your TV in January.
In need of bridesmaids?
I have exactly 21 suggestions.
If they dont have better things to do, that is.
