The Golden Bachelor
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I run to my window and call out to a boy on the street below.
Whats today, my fine fellow?
Why, its hometowns!
Hometowns I havent missed it!
I toss him a coin and tell him to bring me a turkey as big as he is.
How much can a turkey be, anyway?
Gerry, Gerry, Gerry.
All four of them do an impression of Theresa taking a selfie.
Oh, this is precious!
Theresas daughter, Jen, is the only source of any resistance, which isnt saying much.
Well figure it out!
Okay, but, liiiiike, she currently sees her grandkids every day, though?
He alsoequivocates when Jen asks if hes falling in love with her mom.
Its clear that of all her loved ones, Theresa is most anxious about securing Jens approval.
Like, hes amazing.
Ive never met anyone like him.
(Honestly, its very sweet.)
Fortunately, the Gatch gets two thumbs up from Jen.
It doesnt change how much love we had for my dad, she says, overcome with emotion.
Gerry and Theresa decamp for my beloved Seaside Heights (get crazy, get wild, etc.)
Will they put one on their registry?).
This time, Gerrys diplomatic spin on a Han Solo I know is That makes me feel so special.
This is the love Im looking for.
Im in love with Theresa.
Uh, okay, I remember thinking to myself.
Should we … call it a day?
How young and foolish I was.
They talk about how theyd have to figure out a mutually agreeable place to call home.
I watched this scene back three times to see to it I had heard her right.
More questions than answers seems to be something of a family motto.
Ive never acknowledged that I believe in that in love thing, but they seem in love.
Are you … good?
Beth, if you want to talk, Im here.
Everybody likes Gerry, because of course they do.
Gerry: Wouldyousay it out loud?
Faith: I would say it out loud.
Gerry: I love you.
Faith: I love you, too.
Faith has never been my top pick (not that I dislike her!
), but that was genuinely rom-com-worthy.
Were in love with each other!
Faith gushes to the camera, then starts sobbing in her front yard as he drives away.
But what about his feelings for Theresa?
I dont know where Im going to go with that, he says, and me either, bud.
Surely this isnt about to get even more complex, dot dot dot.
He isnt totally thrilled about the existence of Gerrys two other serious girlfriends.
Nevertheless, Stuart gives the couple his blessing and calls him a mensch, to Gerrys obvious delight.
c’mon add being called a mensch to Gerrys list of favorite things right below being looked at.
And Leslie, I love you.
I yelp at my computer screen.
Thats some good editing.
Leslie gets the first of the evenings two (normal, red, biologically of the Earth) roses.
When he picks up the second, the Gatch has a meltdown.
He walks off set, crying.
How could he bear to send either of these women home?
And … thats where they leave us.
I have not been this personally affronted by a cliffhanger sinceThegoddamnMatrixgoddamnReloaded.
