The Golden Bachelorette
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I would love it if Gary were also involved.
Can you imagine if Jack were still here?
This week, we have two one-on-ones and one group date.
Instead of Disneyland, they are whisked away to the other not-that-far destination of Las Vegas.
Also Jonathan cries because he doesnt want to go on a one-on-one.
But were getting ahead of things.
The men are exhausted.
Theyre yawning all over the mansion.
He and Gary go on a little outing to a drugstore to address this issue.
They never let the men outside the house unless theyre with Joan!
This is a delightful novelty.
Charles says hes going to fix the sleeping problem with melatonin and eye masks.
He also says the beds are too soft.
Its not for me, he says.
The men enable this by doing his laundry and making him avocado toast (MARK).
so you can get out of doing things.
Pascal does have a seemingly thriving business, though, so the Skimpoleness only goes so far.
But people also enable Harold Skimpole!
We thought that Mark and Gregg were the John Jarndyces of the house.
I do enjoy Pascal, and so does Joan, because he gets the first one-on-one of the week.
His theme this week is going to be opening up, a classicBachelormotif.
Pascal and Joan fly to the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas in a private jet.
I guess in this analogy, the Times Square Margaritaville would be in Greece or something.
They not only did this, but they surrounded it with artificial rose petals.
Its all very fever-dreamish.
At one point, theyre dressed as Sonny and Cher.
Wayne Newton looks both made of wax and five hundred years old.
If you, like my wife, are saying, Who is Wayne Newton?
he sings Danke Schoen,the song Ferris Bueller lip-syncs toon the parade float.
Newton is actually eighty-two and looks delighted to be there, so maybe hes having a great time.
They have dinner outside the fake Eiffel Tower sans Wayne Newton.
Pascal toasts to manycwazydates.
We learn that Joan majored in computer science, which is awesome.
Pascal opens up and talks about his childhood, which sounds very difficult.
I keep wanting to comment on Joans listening face, which does not seem great on camera.
Shes doing a lot, which makes it seem like she is not, in fact, listening.
But later, Charles says shes a great listener, so maybe its all the camerawork!
(Except for how great Charles is.)
Pascal also reveals that he didnt speak any English when he came to America, which iswow.
CHARLES, I LOVE YOU.
So Jonathan gets the other one-on-one.
Jonathan starts crying because hes worried hell be sent home from the date.
The group date is on a football field, and Joan introduces two sports legends.
Dickerson holds a rushing record, which I assume means running at someone?
Or just running in general?
So that seems great for them and I hope they are having a lovely retirement.
You might think the group date will involve football, but no!
It is time for the Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickbowl.
They are playing kickball, and theyll be in two teams.
Jesse tells them that the losing team will head back to the mansion for frozen pizza and tears.
Chock says what well do for a pretty lady is amazing.
Get outta here, Chock!
He does, and he gets on base and gets a runner in.
Joan gets teary and tells Charles he carried that around for so long.
To the camera, Charles calls Joan intelligent, beautiful, charming, and a great listener.
So again, maybe Im full of shit.
Something that will likely be relatable for many women!
This could be done in an asshole way, but he doesnt do it that way.
Damn, I love Gary.
Gil gets the group rose.
Get outta here, Gil!!
Good point, Kim.
Jonathan and Joan go horseback riding for Jonathans one-on-one, something neither of them is comfortable doing.
Joan assumed Jonathan had ridden a horse before because hes from Iowa.
Thats not an Iowa stereotype!
If he said hed never eaten corn, Id be shocked.
But I think Id be shocked about that for anyone from America.
The Bachelorfranchise loves a horseback riding date, presumably because they think its romantic.
Jonathan himself points out that its super awkward, especially when youre not actually good at riding.
Whatever, they have a nice time.
Jonathan says his wife told him out of the blue that she wanted a divorce.
Id be really interested to hear her side of that.
Joan thinks Jonathan has a calming presence about him and gives him a rose.
She also says that being strong is exhausting, and shes tired.
Yes, Joan!!
This is why every woman gets emo aboutLuisas song inEncanto.
She then tells the camera that she wouldnt blame the men if it scared them.
No, Joan!!
This was such human stuff.
Gerry shows up and encourages Joan.
Charles gives Joan a picture of him and his wife.
Charles, I love you so much, but you are not ready for this show.
That being said, I do want you to stay for a few more weeks.
Anyway, were on to the rose ceremony.
This means Gregg, CK, and Kim are gone.
Guy comes outside to say goodbye to Kim and they sing We Are the Mansion Men again.
And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
10 Points:To Gregg for diving into third base for a low-stakes kickball game.
Gold Star:To Joans rose ceremony dress.
I love it so much.
Thumbs-Up:To the producers for allowing an off-campus field trip.
yo allow the men more friendship outings.
Pushed into a Chocolate River: Gerry.
Too much bad press, Gerry.
