The Golden Bachelorette
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Why arent we letting the Goldens travel?
They dont need to country hop, but theyre not even getting a beach trip!
I dont know how to feel about the Chock fake-out this week.
Did you offer to teach this, Charles?
Did everyone talk about special skills while sitting in a circle, and then people ended up leading classes?
Was Pascals special skill how to pay people to do things for you?
(I am not against it.)
This week we have two more one-on-ones and one group date.
The number of men is gettingswiftly winnowedas we go from 11 to seven this week.
Kaitlyn Bristowe is there, which, okay.
The franchise seems to love bringing her back.
Thats on me, maam.
The Chippendales dance troupe was founded in 1979, so 45 years ago.
So lets assume these men are a minimum of 65.
And apparently they are still performing.
Its nice to know that Sexy Man Dancing can have some longevity as a career.
Their performance will benefitStand Up to Cancer, a cancer-research charity.
The Chippendales emphasize the importance of the body roll as a Sexy Dance Move, and theyre not wrong.
Keith is very excited and keeps telling people hes wanted to be a Chippendales dancer since he was 20.
Chock wants three Chardonnays.
I dont want them to, but I cansee it.
Also, Joan would have loved that Chardonnay comment.
The men have to pick an outfit for their dance.
Jonathans is labeled Sergeant Sexy and includes sparkly gold underpants.
Charles seems to have a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap?
Why is there a baseball cap?
Kaitlyn calls Mark a DILF.
Gary tells us Im doing my little butt thing and rips open his shirt.
I love Gary so much.
Chock does what I can only describe as pelvic thrusts over Joan, and I am deeply uncomfortable.
He still looks like an Iowan insurance executive and just no one needs to see that.
Butinsteadwe learn his mother passed away early the next morning!
I felt like a real dingus.
He tells Joan this, and she does a good job responding and giving him a solid hug.
She talks about being in another room nearby when her husband John passed.
They go ice skating in what looks like the middle of a three-dimensional JCPenney photo backdrop.
Joan eventually just tows him around.
Right there at the skating rink!
Jordan gets a rose, and he and Joan kiss while I shout, GET IT.
The next day is Guys one-on-one.
Guy gives me super-awkward energy, even though appearance-wise, hes very handsome doctor.
), but I would not want to have a solo convo with him.
He and Joan cook together, by which I mean Joan cooks because Guy cant even zest lemons.
Do you know why?
You just take the lemon and you scrape it on a thing a bunch of times.
You are adoctor, Guy.
Joan tells us that she can see Guy being a part of her life (Canyou??
), and he gets a rose.
Guy says he has so many endorphins and a dopamine surge.
Because hes a doctor, you see.
Dopamine Surge is my next dogs name.
Ill call them Dopey for short.
They both compare morning routines and then cheers to Cheerios.
This is not how you win the Bachelorette.
You arehasslingher while she is juggling 11 men, down from 24.
Theres a lot going on.
Its all right, Keith.
Okay, thenChock comes backduring cocktail hour??
I have no idea how long he was gone or what happened.
Are they burying his mother?
I assume someone else is handling that?
And the various legalities that he seemed to think he had to deal with?
I am shocked that Chocks departure was a fakeout and he is now back.
I wonder if producers knew he was Joans top pick?
What if theproducers are handling the legalities?
Thats so dark, producers!
But Ive seen half a season ofUnREAL; I know what goes on.
For the rose ceremony, Joan only gives outfourroses.
Roses go to Pascal, Jonathan, Mark, and a very nervous Keith.
So Gil, Gary, Charles, and Dan go home.
This week spelled the end for our personality men, except maybe Jonathan and Pascal.
Before this season started, I was worried about the camaraderie level in the house.
Joan tells Charles she loves him and that hes changed her life.
This is exactly what one should tell Charles.
And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
Ten Points:To Jordan, because hes from Chicago.
I dont make the rules well, except here, where I definitely do.
Gold Star:To Charles and Gary for existing.
Thumbs-Up:To Cheerios.
I really do love them.
Pushed Into a Chocolate River:Chocks pelvic thrusts.
