The Bachelor
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Ali, we wish you the best as you get better and beat this thing.
So, Im Charlotte, and Im ready to dive into this mess with all of you.
I get it just like Zach, Im everyones second choice.
Lets get into it.
Everyone who watched Rachel and GabbysBacheloretteseason knows Zach as … That Guy.
You know, the guy whose uncle is Patrick Warburton?
The guy who sounds like he swallowed a toad as a child?
The guy who clearly has a great eyebrow lady in Austin?
Did you see him accidentally locking himself out of his hotel room?
Stars theyre just like us.
Unfortunately, this entire package has the opposite of its desired effect.
Eat your heart out, Kit Keenan!
You know what I can roast Zach for?
KISSING BAILEY DURING HER LIMO ENTRANCE!!!
Cats energy kind of terrifies me a little.
After sayinggabagoolso much during her entrance, it feels like she wouldnt hesitate toGodfatherthese other contestants.
What happened to Henry the Pig?
Just throw some mommy issues in there!
Maybe hes less like Prince Harry than I thought.
Apparently Morning Bailin really woke Zach up, because once he starts kissing the ladies, he cant stop.
He makes out with Kaity under the watchful eye of the house.
He smooches Charity the family therapist after learning more about her job.
He christens the party bus with Christina Mandrell after she asks him if he prefers dragons or dinosaurs.
Dragons since hes clearly bingeingHouse of the Dragon.)
You know who has a problem with all this kissing?
Madison, whose only notable moment thus far has been teaching Zach what the North Dakotan slang wordooftameans.
A box of chocolates?
A well-timed emotional confession?
Ladies and gentlemen, she tries to nab Zach with a poorly executed GRIDDY.
Now its really starting to feel like aBachelorpremiere!
But once Greer gets the first-impression rose, Madison really starts to lose it.
This causes two equal and opposite reactions in Madison.
Its an interesting thought experiment: The Ten Commandments ofThe Bachelorare at war with Madisons third-wave feminism.
What will win out?
Now for the best part of any premiere: the season preview.
Zach is a snack.
Zach has a lot to unpack.
Zach is hooking up in a shack.
Its like a Dr. Seuss book.
Oh, the places hell go!
Tropical islands, to and fro!
Maybe this season wont be as boring as anticipated?
If it is, at least we have Greta GerwigsBarbieto look forward to.
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