The Bachelor
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But Zach, who admits he used to tattle on himself as a kid, obviously couldnt do that.
He couldnt even stand to see a villain emerge for more than an episode.
Do we all feel satisfied?
Probably not right now.
Ariel basically shot Zach with lasers from her eyeballs and shes not any closer to becoming the Bachelorette.
Gabi and Ariel will get their redemption arcs onParadise.
Well all move onto Charitysfiascaand this whole thing will become a Clayton-shaped dream.
(Have they been reading my recaps …?)
Lets get into it.
This is about to be three hours.
First, its time to see how much Ariel mothers.
But she doesnt stop there: Ariel verbally slaps Zach in the face.
Obviously she handled the rose ceremony with grace and poise and charm, but why should she have to?
Ariel obviously gets the final word, which is that she hopes Zach learns from this experience.
Zach, I hope youre taking notes.
Actually, hes thinking about introducing Kaity and Gabi to his family, which regretfully doesnt includeKronk.
Gabi, fresh off ruminating while standing ankle-deep in the pool of the Sofitel Krabi, is going first.
(Cant say thats true, either!)
Are we talking about the same girl?
Zach clarifies that he didnt regrether, he just regretted his actions.
He doesnt regret Carnivals all-you-can-eat brunch buffet, he just regretseatingit.
Were all going to end up vomiting over the side of the cruise ship by the end of this.
Gabi meets Zachs family and tells him she loves him afterwards.
Kaity meets Zachs family and tells him she loves him afterwards.
The only notable part comes when Zachs dad (whom I believe is named Chap?)
You wont catch her not being ready for a workout!
Its time for Kaitys final date, which is a hike in a national park.
Clearly, no one told Kaity this, because she rolls up in white linen pants and sandals.
(And no, I wont be discussing Zachs monstrosity of a shirt.
He seems determined to not find love.)
I know the hems of those pants are absolutely covered in mud.
Just what every girl wants to hear days before their engagement.
Technically, its time for Gabis date, butThe Bachelorhas other plans!
Its time forGabis Date: The Lost Audio Files.
Poor Gabi, her worst fear is being neglected … aaaaand, thats just what happened with this date.
Hey, Jesse Palmer did say anything could happen on live television!
When we all finish collectively rolling around on the couch, Gabis date resumes.
It keeps poking Zach in the chin.
She cant seem to figure out the correct way to lie down with it in.
Stars, theyre just like us.
Zach says he hasnt chosen a winner yet, which sends Gabi into another spiral of self-doubt and tears.
But two hours later, shes all, I was crazy back then!
She loves Zach again … just kidding.
During their conversation, she holds back thinly veiled hatred, asking once again if hes made a decision.
IM JUST A BOY!!
and runs out of the room.
Back in the studio, its time for Sean Lowesfourthappearance of the season.
What dirt does this man have on Jesse Palmer?
Throughout this entire season, Zach had a bracelet that said WWSLD?
and Sean basically confirms that he would have done the exact opposite.
Once again: Jesse fucks.
I was there, and it was sad.
Were about to see whos getting dumped, aaaaand … of course its Gabi.
We knew this was coming.
Who tipped her off?
Maybe the claw clip is actually a hidden camera.
Actually, she quickly tells Jesse that no one tipped her off, she just has a gut feeling.
Were all rolling around on the couch again, right?
She doesnt want to hear the but.
Every time Zach tries to break up with her, she just says, CAN YOU STOP TALKING?
Zach knew what was gonna happen here.
She keeps asking questions, but not wanting to know the answers.
In the car, she forgets her rule about saying fudge instead of fuck.
She lets out a torrent of self-hatred punctuated by frequent swearing.
hey, Gabi, its not you!
Youre not the villain here!
Its tough to watch!
Back in the studio, Gabis in herReputationEra dress.
(I believe her, since her mascara was definitelynotwaterproof.)
When Zach comes out, her lips are the thinnest theyve ever been.
And you thought we were done?
Zach mutters some gibberish and gets off stage.
She thought she was the chosen one, but she was actually just a meter for Zachs horniness.
At least she has some new Instagram followers?
Now we have to be happy for Zach and his new engagement.
This is emotional whiplash.
Im scared for Kaitys white dress in this mud.
Shes wearing a claw clip to her engagement.
Claw clips have won the season.
He hands her a Neil Lane rock thats not inherently offensive, and theyre engaged!
Im trying not to be, but Im slightly charmed by this.
Back in the studio, Kaity is wearing her ownEras Touroutfit.
Sean Lowe, you better watch your back.
I let out a sigh of relief.
After an episode of real drama, its nice to have some contrived mess once again.
