The Bachelor
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Rinse and repeat, as Zach surely will.
But there was something comforting in this episode.
There were overprotective fathers, mothers, and brothers.
There were vaguely regional-themed activities that you could theoretically classify as dates.
There were houses that looked about as put-together as the model home fromArrested Development.
just shoot me before I get too sentimental.
Lets get into it.
The producers have Zach start his journey in Vermont because they found a Marriott with glass shower doors.
He could probably go on like this forever.
And yet American laws and customs dictate that he can only marry one of them.
Damn you, Joseph Smith!
Now, Zach runs to Gabi instead of the other way around.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
This is the future that feminists want.
Since shes from Vermont, today hes getting the full maple experience.
ChatGPT could write this date.
Gabi, what did you expect?
Gabi gets her revenge on the maple tree when she makes out with Zach against it.
Everyones general vibe is, This whole thing is weird, but this guy seems fine!
The casting department is salivating.
Someone get this guy onThe Seniorette!
That definitely wont backfire on her!!!
Zach scarfs down a piece of pizza while standing up!
They walk around Washington Square Park!
They probably see that lady who gets hundreds of pigeons to sit on her!
Zach says the West Village like its a foreign land.
Ariel looks gorgeous, but I know shes chafing walking around in those knee-high boots.
Next up, they go to Sarges, and Zach tries a beef-tongue sandwich for the first time.
Initially, he treats it the same way he did the Estonian traditions, which is, Ahh!
Other cultures are scary!
before he discovers that actually tongue is delicious and Jewish delis have some God-tier cuisine.
No family member onThe Bachelorever needs an excuse to be overprotective, Ariel, dont worry.
They meet up with the fam at a Brooklyn winery.
But now, its time to talk about Bobby, the aforementioned brother.
Whats her middle name?
Why should she like you at all?
to which Zach responds with, Hmm, a very angry head shake, and I can cook.
Ariel is Hot/Funny/New York to Charitys Sweet/Emotional/Georgia and Gabis Quirky/Pretty/Vermont.
Side note: Falling for someone isnt a real step in a relationship, right?
Because its become so standard onThe Bachelorthat youd be labeled crazy to just outright say, I love you.
Does falling for actually mean Ill say it soon, dont send me home yet?
Or is it some crucial process that only Mike Fleiss has unlocked?
Are we moving fast?
It feels like were moving fast.
The older I get, the more I understand whyThe Bacheloris an appealing choice.
The chance to date an emotionally available man andget free housing?
Whats Joe Bidens plan forthat??
Charitys family is very supportive, which Zach needs after being hammered by Ariels brother.
He visibly unclenches when they compare Charity to Cinderella.
Charitys sweet older brother asks him one or two tough questions before deferring to her judgment.
Because of that, this date is just reiterating how Charity Wants Love.
And her older brother and mother get emotional thinking about the possibility of Charity getting heartbroken.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the business call foreshadowing.
We should have known when Zach decided that Charity got the wife-racing date instead of the shopping date.
They do a line dance at a bar for .25 seconds before Charity tells Zach shes falling for him.
Finally, its Kaitys turn.
They go to the grocery store, and he helps her build a bookcase and hang her shelf.
Call me a romantic, but I can see these two together forever.
He does add that he canseehimself falling for her, which, again,doesnt actually mean anything.
Kaitys mom approves, and Kaity tells Zach shes falling for him.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Okay, but there are still 25 minutes left, so something dramatic must happen at the rose ceremony.
ITS A SURPRISE SEAN LOWE!!
Frankly, I missed this man.
We hadnt seen him in like five episodes, just talked about him incessantly.
He deserves a guest house in the Mansion for Catherine and the kids.
But I have a question: DoesThe Bachelorthink its audience is stupid?
Why do we need this spelled out again?
Its just a five-minute recap with Sean there for reactions.
Is this what we rushed Charitys line dancing for?
Was the bookshelf actually made and we didnt get to see it??
It doesnt matter because its time for the Rose Ceremony.
Kaity and Gabi get the other two roses, which means Charitys going home.
I love seeing some backbone from her … even though she immediately goes back to crying.
Hey, shellprobably be the Bachelorette, so shell have many, many more tears left to cry.
Bonus Content: The Women Tell All Superlatives
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