The Bachelor
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Hey, girl, whatcha doing?Hey, girl, where you going?Whos that girl?
(Whos that girl?
)Whos that girl?
(Whos that girl?
I mean, come on!
My God, this is the performance of a lifetime.
@BachelorData, count the minutes!
Count the story lines!
Lets give it up to my girl, Maria.
She didnt make it to the Fantasy Suites, but this has been the season of Maria.
A true bad bitch is empathetic and recognizes that a rising tide lifts all bitches.
Then weve got the whole Women Tell All to dive into.
Lets get into it.
Why is Joey shirtless in his dressing room before the Women Tell All starts?
Well, at least the Golden Ladies are there.
Im surprised Jesse didnt call them down to stare into each ladytestants eyes to confirm their worst fears.
(Madina, aging is inevitable.
You will either die young or watch yourself age.
Trying to fight it is a fools errand.
You remind me of my daughter!
Something is WORKING and they are going to CAPITALIZE ON IT!!!
The first segment is about all the drama in the house.
If someone in your life says Im such a girls girl but can cry on cue, RUN.
When we come back from the montage, Jess is already crying.
The first topic of conversation is Lea tossing out the Steal a Date card.
Thats just me, point blank period.
Maria calls out that Leatossing the cardin the first episode wasnt a selfless act for the other women.
Starr, who nailed herBachelor in Paradiseaudition, says that Leas tears about the card was a performance.
THEY SHOULD HAVE!!
What is a good apology?
Thats all youve got to do!
And shes not remotely sorry.
But Maria is a class act and goes to hug Lea and says she wants to make up.
Sydney ruins the moment by telling her that she has nothing to be sorry for.
Next, they dive into the Sydney-Maria conflict.
Sydney claims that once she heard the wordbullying, she knew she had to stand up for her friend.
Edwina has let her hair down and says that Sydney just didnt like Maria!
I was standing up against gaslighting!No, you just dont like someone!
Yall, were all adults here.
And your fun fact on your contestant profile was Jess read her first book for fun last summer.
That also might have contributed to Maria telling you to zip it.
(Remember Jess telling everyone she had a smoochy-poo with Joey?)
They werent upset that Maria reacted poorly, they were upset Maria reacted to them at all.
And really, Maria is a bad bitch!
Some of you arent in the bad-bitch genre!
Lexi is receiving thousands of messages from people about their IVF journeys and their own endometriosis.
Is this the first time chronic pain has been mentioned on the show?
That is a MAN.
Jenn is having conversations with her brother about their father for the first time in their relationship.
Shes talking to her cousins about their family.
She also says she wants to make everything good between the women.
She made it nice!
Time for the Rose Ceremony?!?!??!
I guess!!!???
We do it in my work Slack; you should adopt it.
This could not have less drama.
I miss you bb love you mwah!
Joeys entire body crumbles as he realizes that he got worked up into an anxiety spiral for no reason.
He tells her he couldnt imagine something being wrong between them after their Fantasy Suite date.
(Spoiler alert: He can.)
Daisy and Kelsey get roses, and that means that Rachel is going home.
Rachel understands but feels heartbroken that he couldnt say it back.
Its time for Rachel to be in the hot seat.
Susan tells her to be strong!
Its very sweet and they talk about how much fun they had together.
Then … things pivot.
What, and I cannot stress this enough, THE FUCK???
Theres a real fucking problem in this fandom when it comes to the treatment of women of color.
In addition to bloopers, we get Unseen Moments!
The ladytestants imitating each other and Joey doing a pre-rose shimmy!
Joey absolutely housing some macarons!
And Jesse dubbing Joeys lips talking about how great he is at tennis!
Time for bloopers!!
Joey cant say Minneapolis, Maria has a mic pack in her ass, and tons of bugs!
See you next week for the finale!
