The Bachelor
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Its Sex Week!!!
Week.After a supremely boring season, this is what weve been waiting for.
Its what Jesse Palmer teased no fewer than 20 times last week.
No, its time to break down howsupremelyZach fucked up this episode.
First of all: Zachs right.
Fantasy Suitesalwayscause drama thats what theyre designed to do!
Theres a reason theyve held the girls in a separate suite like zoo animals in heat.
But this just wont do for Zach.
This all raises the question: Is Zach super-Christian?
Sean, presumably, avoided sleeping with all three of his finalists because of his faith.
But Zach seems like hes doing it only to avoid ruining his tropical-paradise vacation with lady tears.
Jokes on you, Zach: If youre trying to game the system,The Bachelorproducers will outgame you.
That or your own dick will.
Lets get into it.
Jesse certainly didnt do this duringhisFantasy Suites.
Lets be clear: Jesse fucks.
Zach thinks about this while taking yet another thorough shower.
Shower count: five.
My brain is atrophying.
Ariel and Zach get into a tuk-tuk, were thinking about sex.
They walk into a night market, were thinking about sex.
They slurp down a few grasshoppers, were thinking about Zach.
Were no better than Zach himself.
The only reason why this datedoesmatter is it gives us a glimpse into Zachs slow descent into madness.
Now that theres something he officially cant have, he starts to become the Joker of his own season.
His left eyebrow is twitching as he snacks on a cricket.
He gets a feral glint in his eye as Ariel talks dirty about street intestines.
Hes practically vibrating after they make out in front of a street performer.
He cant sit still, hes drooling, and there may have been an accidental boner involved.
Shes been lurking around, feeling nervous about her and Zachs connection.
(Im so sorry.)
Zach and Ariel eat at a restaurant calledthe White Lotusbecause you literally cant make this stuff up.
When they get to the hotel room, though, its a different story.
Zach is so wired that, when they walk into the suite, all he can say is Bed!
They make out in the pool.
They make out in the aforementioned bedroom.
But they do not have sex.
Via the power of Sean Lowe, Zach holds strong.
The next day, its time for Gabis Fantasy Suite.
Lets whip out the self-care journal, girl!
I feel stupid and foolish and disgusting and ugly!
I want mess, not another one of Zach and Gabis therapy sessions.
What the hell, Zach??
At this point, hes going to classically condition the girls into thinkingI love you=Wear your ugliest pajamas.
Gabis face looks like the emoji where the mouth is just a straight line.
These people need to cool it with their sex metaphors.
Im sorry, none of us believedGabiwould be the one hed sleep with, right?
Ariel was definitely the Alabama No.
1 seed in this situation.
I was even prepared to accept Kaity because of the overwhelming power of love or whatever.
The girl whos been on the verge of tears since Estonia?
Who routinely labels herself as crusty?
I guess this is why he instituted a sex ban Zach knew he was powerless to lady tears.
Jesse comes in for some much-needed bro time because Sean couldnt catch a flight last minute.
But now he needs to break HIPAA and tell all the other women he did have sex.
Logically, thisiswhat he must do, especially after so confidently declaring he would be Virgin Zach this week.
Zach looks extremely disappointed in himself.
Turns out the real drama was inside him all along.
First up on Zachs apology tour is Gabi.
She and her claw clip thought they were getting the day off to revel in postcoital bliss nope!
Your sex life is actually getting exposed on national television.
Gabis confused because she sure didnt admit anything more than a cuddle session in her confessional.
While she may not have been No.
1 pick in the sex draft, shes obviously No.
1 in a prisoners-dilemma situation.
So why is Gabi so confused?
Did she just look the other way because she assumed theyd get engaged?
She immediately knows the repercussions of this: Shes now the girl who broke Zachs sex ban.
This is tough, especially given that her entire story line to this point has been fairy-tale love story.
To make her feel better, Zach tells Gabi hes falling in love with her.
Does Zach not understand hes now tainted this special moment?
After all this, Kaity still has a Fantasy Suite.
She and Zach explore some mangrove forests in a kayak with a clear bottom because Zachs all about transparency.
This whole date is extremely ominous.
Its storming and thundering.
Its lit like an episode ofGame of Thrones.
Its so hot that Zachs sweating out every glass of Champagne hes had this week.
Kaity is rightfully pissed because who the hell would want to hear that?
Why is this horrible situation the first time were learning that Kaitys from Ontario?
I mean, yeah where do they go from here?
Is Zach back to his sex ban, or is it just a sexual free-for-all here?
And where is Ariel in all of this?
Is she just back at the hotel munching on some crickets, thinking everyones good and pure?
Basically none of this is answered.
Zach admits hes Catholic.
This all makes sense now.
Do Kaity and Zach have sex?
That fight took up so much airtime that were suddenly at the rose ceremony.
Ariel goes home because shes somehow the only person who hasnt banged Zach.
She was screwed not physically, of course.
This feels like a Marvel post-credits scene.
Only one more week of this!
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