The Bachelor
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Everyone, I have a confession.
Yall, I really like Joey.
I know, I know.
I feel so stupid.
Can you believe it?
Me, of all people.
But I really like Joey.
I might even be falling for him.
(Ft. Florence + the Machine!)
Lets get into it.
I needThe Bachelorto find a different way to open this television program.
I gained absolutely nothing seeing Maria and Sydney stare forward while sitting on a very large boat.
I was not intrigued.
I was not surprised.
Just pop fire up episode with Lil Joey in the shower or something!
Its morning in the Bachelor Mansion and everyone is basically over the drama between Maria and Sydney.
And by drama I mean Sydney being an absolutely unreasonable person while wearing a series of increasingly hot dresses.
But we cant get into that now because its time for the international part of the journey to begin!
Did the random American city get cut in the last few seasons?
No trip to Boise, Idaho, for the girlies?
Theyre all going to … MALTA!
Autumn wants to know if Malta is Europe.
Thats something we all should ask ourselves.
Jess says the Maltese dog originated in Malta!
Jesse says their flight leaves in an hour!
Is the Mansion next door to the airport?!
He actively boos whoever wrote that ad copy to satisfy the tourism board of Malta.
Every single location that anyone goes to this episode gets some location text.
Is the country of Malta really small and these are all different cities?
Are these different neighborhoods?
As well see, this whole country wants Lexi and Joey to reproduce.
Meanwhile, Sydney says that shes been completely occupied by Maria and its beginning to affect her health.
This might be the first documented case of hater-induced lethargy.
He tells them that a family needs children and they should havechildrenand CHILDREN bring happiness.
Oh no, this is heavy-handed on behalf of production and Im guessing the Catholic church.
Joey dons The Salmon Jacket and they sit down for a romantic dinner.
Eventually, she had surgery and doctors realized she had stage 5 endometriosis.
WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT THIS!
He also says he appreciates that Lexi felt safe enough to share something like that with him.
He feels that she has that motherly instinct and there are other ways to have a family.
He also says that it doesnt scare him and he doesnt want to run away.
(He also says it makes her stronger and everything happens for a reason.
Im docking a full letter grade for that.)
Is this the yearThe Bachelorlearns about chronic illness and disability and how to sorta-respectfully talk about these things?
Reader, Im just as stunned as you.
Lexi gets the rose.
The ladytestants all get in their medieval-knight gear and Joey has popped that shirt off.
He says he should have done a few more push-ups.
Hes trying his best, hes the Fun-Size Bachelor!
I wont go into every activity, but I did write in my notes, This is terrible.
Then its time for the Sausage Wheel.
I make no assumptions about and have no expectations of Malta.
Hmmm … watching the man Im growing emotionally attracted to catch sausages in his mouth?
How do I condense that down into one sentence to search on an audio erotica site?
Autumn wins because its narratively convenient, not because she catches a sausage the fastest.
Joey says he feels something between him and Kelsey T. that is making his heart flutter.
Kelsey T. gets the group-date rose.
By process of elimination and producer manipulation, Sydney and Maria are on a two-on-one date together.
This two-on-one date is fucked.
I dont think Joey has ever had a conversation with Sydney.
And besides, Maria came dressed to fucking kill and Sydney is wearing dad sandals.
Joeydoes notwant to be doing this and quite frankly, neither do I!
In what universe is Sydney coming back from this date??
kindly do not insult me!
Put Joey in more little shorts!
Im just demanding things now.
Sydney says shes got a plan going into the date, sending chills down my spine.
She breaks her silence long enough to say shes scared of small spaces.
Bitch, we are on a fjord and cave tour.
Sydney tells Joey that after the pool party, all hell broke loose and Maria just started disrespecting everyone!
She was very disrespectful!
Sydney says Maria isnt someone Joey would want for his wife.
I dislike Sydney so much I cant even make fun of her.
Apparently saying shut the fuck up is the line for Joey and hes got to ask Maria about that.
Joey just wants everyone to be comfortable and he doesnt expect them to be friends.
Maria is basically shutting down even though thats a pretty mature and reasonable answer from Joey.
He drops Maria back off at the tiny uncomfortable bench.
Maria is like, This is ridiculous, were on-camera all the time!
and Sydney says that Maria will never own what she did and thateveryonefeels that way.
Raise your hand if anyone who was ever trying to bully you said Everyonefeels this way.
THIS DATE HAS AN EVENING PORTION??
AW, FUCK ME.
Thankfully, Joey just has one question for each woman: Uhh … do you still like me?
Sydney says that this is her fighting for Joey and she would show up for him every day.
Ugh, no thank you.
Maria gets the rose and Sydney says on her way out, She sucks.
I dislike you very much!
Joey and Maria head to another antechamber where an opera singer sings Ave Maria.
If Sydney was given the rose, do you think the singer would have sung Ave Sydney?
As Lea watches Sydneys luggage get taken away, she starts crying.
She also starts taking note of what her friends and her enemies are doing.
Its time for the cocktail party!
Everyone is having a good time!
Joey and Jenn put their feet in the pool!
Edwina tells him that she likes him!
Katelyn brings him some kind of little cake that they bite at the same time!
Madina finally opens up to Joey about her tragic backstory.
She says that Something between her parents happened and they got a divorce.
Its vague but significant.
They do a little trust fall!
Shes eating grapes dangled from above by Allison and starts calling for everyone to come watch.
Listen, you go watch that girl eat grapes.
Its a powerful image, but all the levity and frivolity in the house is UPSETTING LEA!
No one is respecting the memory of Syd, the moral heart of the house.
Im choosing to re-read her tossing that one-on-one steal card into the fire as an act of moral superiority.
I fucking knew it.
Lea takes Madina aside to scrub the air.
Madina is like, Why are you critiquing me?
Lea says, No, no, giving clarity.
Madina, in her Madina way, is completely over this and does not want to engage.
Then Lea says a truly incredible sentence.
Madinas perspectives are different than what I would perspectivize in this situation.
PERSPECTIVIZE!!!!!!!!!!!
Lea sits down with Joey to tell him exactly how Maria has treated them all.
See you tomorrow for the stunning conclusion and a trip to Spain!
