The Bachelor
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A hotel room full of women lounging on couches.
Suddenly, a silent bomb goes off.
Their countenances morph into expressions of intense distress.
Tears silently slide down their cheeks.
Someone wails in the background.
Another runs off, pleas to stay left unheard.
The women save for one brave soul begin to avoid a certain hotel room for fear of contamination.
Is thisThe Last of Us?
No, itsThe Bachelor.
Yet, when theyre said onThe Bachelor, its like the pandemic has begun anew.
Reactions this explosive havent been seen since March 2020.
A shell of what it should have been.
We must complete this farce of a virtual cocktail party, this charade of a virtual rose ceremony.
Does this episode deserve four out of five stars?
Lets get into it.
But Ill admit it: At this point, Im kind of warming up to Zach.
Im sorry,The Bachelors Sean Lowe propaganda has worked on me!
Hes cringe and embraces it!
He really wants a best friend!
Hes just a guy who likes family, football, and frozen pizzas!
Help, Ive officially been Stockholm Syndromed.
There are only 11 contestants left, and when didthathappen?
Naturally, she does not get the one-on-one, and it goes to maple-syrup-lover and shellfish-avoider Gabi.
Gabis one-on-one is the British version of the classicPretty Womandate.
Gabi and Zach get picked up in a Rolls-Royce with a built-in Champagne cooler!
She tries on fancy gowns!
They smell what Winston Churchill smelled like!
This date is truly like winning theBachelorlottery.
Brooklyn got sprayed in mud last week, while Gabi gets to test-drive a 100-year-old tiara.
The girlies are frothing at the mouth, which is what the producers wanted.
But all really goes to hell when a fresh date card is delivered alongside Gabis Cinderella gown.
When she walks out crying, Gabi quickly says, I dont mean to be braggy!
Gabi, youve been unboxing cashmere sweaters for the last half an hour just embrace the braggy.
Charity is now comforting Greer as she cries in the hallway.
She gets the rose, and they dance to a jazzy version of Cant Help Falling in Love.
But, to take up airtime, the girls still have to go on the group date.
Cut to: The women depressed on a double-decker bus.
The women distraught during the bagpipe serenade.
They just dont know what to do!
WhatsThe Bachelorwithout the bachelor?
Is it justThe???
They stuff themselves into a phone booth!
They twerk for the Kings Guard!
At least were done with the shots of him showering!
The next morning, Jesse tells the girls what we all already knew: Zach has COVID.
THIS IS HOW YOU WIN THE GAME OF ROSES, PEOPLE!!
This brings up a key problem, namely, how will Zach make out with them over Zoom??
What are they going to do?Talk??
Thats right: Zach is doing avirtual cocktail party.
Im sorry, but I couldnt stop laughing throughout this entire segment.
Are there going to be breakout rooms??
Girls virtually busting in and saying, Can I steal you for a sec?
But I still have so, so many questions.
Do producers tell them to leave via the chat function?
What if the screen lags?
Does that eat up their time?
And why didnt anyone put Zach in a cat filter or something equally insane??
And, in case you were worried, Zach does find ways to virtually kiss both Kat and Aly.
You wont stop him!!!
But, once again, everything veers off course when we get to Greer.
Greer starts rambling, and this whole thing is made justsomuch more awkward over Zoom.
This girl has a case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, and its terminal!!
Now its time for thevirtual rose ceremony.
Yes, you read that right.
Im sorry, but can you imagine the sheerembarrassmentof being sent home via Zoom call?
The drama curse has come for Kylee; watch out, Greer!
Time for the mid-season trailer.
Maybe theres hope for this season yet!
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