The Bachelor
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The prestige of the entireBachelorfranchise has been dipping and cresting for years.
There hasnt really been a true watercooler moment in a minute.
(Im gonna go with Strandella?
Detective Olivia Benson?)
But you know how I know the prestige has been stripped away?
ThatThe Bacheloris now occupying the same cultural status asHells Kitchenwith that incredible KFC product placement.
I was happy, you were happy, the tourism board of South Dakota was certainly happy.
The product placement is not matching the desired audience, loves.
Its not giving aspirational.
The viewers are not lining up to grab a bucket of chicken.
Bachelor Nation, youve got a lil cutie as your Bachelor and youre coming off a Golden wedding!
Lets get into it.
The editors this season absolutely love a no-context look into the future and then snapping back to present day.
But I believe Joey.
He just wants to smooch and validate women.
I love the length, sweetheart!
I know youve been working on cuticle hydration.
Hed help a woman find her signature scent.
He does not want this.
But well get to that shockingly fast.
Its like I have a crush on the quarterback.
Joey is a sports boy, but thats not his sport.
They are told there will be two group dates and one very romantic one-on-one date.
Madina asks, Permanently or just for today?
When she finds out that these women areolder than Joeyandsingle,I was surprised she didnt burst into tears.
Its ASKN April, Susan, Kathy, and Nancy fromThe Golden Bachelor.Remember?
Remember when we used to be fun and relevant?
Youre my lil boo thang??
The Golden ladies say their catchphrase, If youre askin, were tellin!
and let the ladytestants know theyll be competing in the Mrs. Oh, Lea, by the end of the day, you still wont have been in a pageant.
After a very lackluster fashion show, its time for the Q&A.
dont say, We have a fun connection but well add in some things if we need it.
Be creative and specific!
Also for her talent, she chooses kissing.
Shes a hot bitch who deserved to win.
Everyone is mad, but theyre just mad they got outwitted in a fake beauty pageant.
This humiliating defeat might be what fuels her attempt to psychologically and socially destroy Maria.
Madina sits down with Joey and reveals that shes holding onto this interaction about her age.
Fucking let it go.
You gotta let it go.
Youre an unmarried 30-year-old.
She says shed rather not say who made her feel this way, throwing the cocktail party into chaos.
He tells the women that if theres something going on, he needs to know about it.
This is a man who trusts his gut.
Its time for Jenns one-on-one date.
The most notable thing about Jenn is she talks through her teeth like Kandi Burruss.
Joey and Jenn head to the beach for a day of surfing and making out.
Men, write that in your girlfriends Valentines Day card this year.
Jenn gets the rose!
I would have started tennis lessons the second I got that casting email.
Joey, I feel like a hot lady in tennis whites is a very achievable fantasy for you.
Theyre joined by James Blake (tennis) and Pam Shriver.
Everyone is put into pairs and given a Spirit Halloween couples costume.
Joey cannot get enough of Kelseys butter-pat hat wobbling as she goes to serve.
Thats the way to this mans heart.
The teams play each other and none of this matters.
Her mom got divorced and has been single ever since, and Katelyn has been single fortwo years!
Daisy sits down with Joey and asks if he has any other questions about her cochlear implants.
Uh … do you want to touch them?
Oh, sweetie, he likes you!
Katelyn gets the group date rose.
She takes Joey aside and tells him that Maria wasattackingher and called her embarrassing, weird, and dumb.
She calls it a hostile environment like shes talking to HR.
Its like Sydney wants to see the manager ofThe Bachelorand will not rest until she gets Maria fired.
Joey wants to know the full story, so he takes Maria aside and asks her about these accusations.
Rachel says that this is the worst pool party of her life.
She says that this puts her in a weird spot because its only her word against Sydneys.
She also says if Joey likes her, he cant possibly like Sydney too because theyre so different.
And with that, her fate for a two-on-one date is sealed.
Joey also realizes he maybe shouldnt have listened to production and asked one follow-up question.
Pool partys over, its time for the Rose Ceremony.
Evalin is crying again.
Sydney says shes not going to let the mean girl win.
Sweetie, if youre looking for a mean girl, look in the mirror.
See you next week for a TWO-NIGHTBACHELOREVENT!
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