The Bachelor
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Bachelor Nation, in case you didnt know, Zach is here to find his best friend.
His BFF, all right?
Zach, on the other hand, is skipping step five.
Now who will create drama?
One of the three blonde Katherines?
Sparkly Jess, who has only just now, three episodes in, stopped shaking?
Lets get into it!
We start off once more with various shots of Zach showering.
You wont catch this guy with BO!
Let the man be his boring self!
All he wants to do is make small talk and kiss hot girls, and thats okay!
Kaity one of the seemingly endless number of blonde Katherines gets the first one-on-one date.
But, silly girls, it doesnt start today it startstonight.
What could Kaitys date be?
A drive-thru movie?Anothertrip to meet Zachs family??
Nope, its a night at the museum, no Ben Stiller included.
Unfortunately for my cold, dead heart, this date is actually pretty sweet.
The standards are on the floor, people!
But the date isnt done here: Zach asks Kaity to spend the night with him.
Honestly, they match each others energy and Im here for it.
), Kaity does her walk of shame back into the mansion.
And it isveryshameful, considering shes wearing a set of pajamas that has leopards printed on it.
The other ladies are obviously confused: Did fantasy-suite week come early for Kaity?
Will all of them be getting sleepovers during the group date?
What does this mean for the sanctity of the tried-and-trueBachelorformat?
Group-date time, and its obviously Super Bowl themed.
ButThe Bacheloris pulling out all the stops to make this Bachelor Bowl feel different.
Theres a hype reel!
Jesse brings a colleague, ESPN commentator Hannah Storm, to see his other job!
Unfortunately, its pretty much the same as every other football date.
Someone (Anastasia) fakes getting hurt to stand on the sidelines with Zach.
A couple of girls score touchdowns that ultimately mean very little.
The Shallcrushers lose, and honestly, didnt we as well?
The one thing this gamedoesaccomplish is getting all the ladies hopped up on adrenaline before the afterparty.
Theyre sick of her bragging about her one-on-one, and frankly, I would be too!
Christina, you didnt even meet Kronk himself, cool it with the family talk!
Dont get me wrong, I support delusional women, but has she watched one episode of this show?
Fight back, Christina!
Embrace the villain edit!
Dont just sit there looking like youre trying to figure out the square root of 73 in your head!
Sweet, sweet Charity.
Dry those tears, youll be rewarded with a one-on-one soon.
Theyre skydiving in wedding outfits, because of course they are!
During a brief montage, I fantasize about that one skydiving date when Rachael from Matts seasonabsolutely ate shit.
Unfortunately, no such drama happens here, because they seemingly land in a vineyard?
With a hot tub??
I guess because jumping out of a plane didnt give Ali and Zach ample opportunities to make out.
Were the multiple shots of him showering not enough?
Ill see you at the Ashford in Jersey City!
I dont love the cop energy here.
He pulls Christina to speak on the stairs, which wealsosaw in every trailer for this season.
Once again, when Zach confronts her with this information, her vibe is just generally confused and distressed.
Shesjust like Harry Styles: This doesnt happen to people like her very often!
So while prosecutor Zach speaks with Brooklyn and Charity, Christina has a full mental breakdown on the steps.
Maybe this cast is more savage than I thought.
Because so many women have left midweek, Zachs only cutting one woman at the rose ceremony.
Greer, Katherine, Kylie, Davia, Anastasia, and Brooklyn all get roses.
Ill admit this was the first time this franchise has genuinely shocked me in a while.
Clayton had too much drama.
Michelle didnt have enough.
Only time will tell.
Next week were finally leaving the health hazard that is the Bachelor Mansion and heading to the Bahamas.
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