The Bachelor
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Bachelor Nation, if youre reading this, its too late.
Youre watching this show until Jesse Palmer does a touchdown dance on its cold, unforgiving grave.
Sigh, guess were all in it for the long haul.
And, before I start, apologies to the Minnesotans for misspellinguff dainmy last recap.
Now, lets getuff dait.
Time for the first group date!
They show up at an empty warehouse and … its Big Energy singer Latto!
Latto tells the gathered women she wants Zachs wife to have bad-bitch energy and reiterates this in a confessional.
Producers, this is your chance put her on the show!
And side note: Why is Courtney Robertson here?
debase themselves on national television.
Cat crawls down the runway in cat ears!
Bailey wears a Nicki Minaj wig!
Mercedes whacks him with a cane!
See, theyre wife material!
Tahz cant poop!at the ocean during aParadisebreakdown.
She starts dropping hints that the ladies arent good enough for Zach, which … hot take.
But then, during the after-party, she shows up!
To win Zachs heart!
Im sorry, why is she trying to embarrass herself for this franchiseagain?
Did she really miss those rickety mansion bunk bedsthatmuch?
Wanted to smell the intoxicating aroma of Ariana Grandes Cloud perfume and desperation one last time?
Tahz, be free!
Tahz, fly the coop!
So, after Tahz cries that she cant find love, thats the end of that.
Labor negotiations are so complicated these days!
Katherine gets the group-date rose after like a three-second-long conversation and a three-minute make-out sesh.
Cant win em all!
Wake up, leftovers its time for the second group date!
They kiss, and she secures the group-date rose (and probably next weeks one-on-one).
She hasnt spoken with Zach yet and, meanwhile, people are out here learning about his childhood trauma?
Future students of the game, take note: chocolate = swift recovery.
The rest of the cocktail party is sadly taken up by Brianna.
Remember Brianna, Americas First Impression Rose, the one who, until this point, has been safe?
Well, she doesnt love that.
Unfortunately, theres no payoff here: When Brianna confronts Christina, she immediately folds and apologizes.
You wont catch her in a villain edit!
Good-bye, Cat, and all of your feline-themed puns!
Next week, it seems well be getting Christina embracing her villain edit and some good old-fashioned slut-shaming.
Raise a Champagne-filled glass to that.
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