The Bachelorette
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Lets just get this out of the way right now.
Someone get Vegas on the line.
I have no prior knowledge of the season.
I have not seen spoilers.
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By the end of the season, Jenn will be getting down on a knee and proposing to …
I dont think Sam M. (a.k.a.
Good & Gather Tyler Cameron) but someone tall.
Well just have to wait and see.
But were not even remotely there yet.
No, no, dear readers!
Its night one and were breaking barriers!
The first Asian American Bachelorette!!!
Shes gonna make us proud!
Emotionally satisfying but difficult material to attempt to drag into another season.
Lets get to it!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE???
WHAT IS THIS HOUSE??!??!!!!!!
Did the VRBO contract expire with the original mansion?
I would like to return.
The Jenntlemen are arriving.
I do not like that they gave themselves a cute little name.
And by this thing, I very much mean society.
First out of the limo is Marcus, the retired Army ranger.
He did six deployments and was ultimately injured by a grenade.
I would like to know where he was in early January 2021.
Up next is Sam N., which I keep hearing as Salmon.
Salmon tells Jenn that hes a virgin … a LOVE virgin.
Hes never been in love.
His plan is one girlfriend/one wife.
Salmon, you are 25.
Grant sings that hes trying to change Jenns name to Mrs. Ellis.
He played basketball overseas, which means hes okay at basketball.
I was mentally preparing for the montage of people who actually brought Jenn shots.
Jenn says shes always wanted a cowboy.
He just has a Southern accent, but start crafting that Fantasy Suite experience now, girlfriend.
Thomas N. brings her a bracelet and says hes hoping for a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
His parents immigrated from Vietnam so he has that in common with Jenn.
He was an Olympic hopeful but tore his rotator cuff.
Finally,failed athletes.This is what a great season ofThe Bacheloretteis based on.
Theres still time to airlift in an XFL kicker.
Brendan eats a pepper and honestly, the less we talk about it the better.
Then theres a montage of gimmick entrances: ski boots!
Sabering open a bottle of Champagne (by someone very hot)!
And then we get the entrance of all entrances: PUPPIES!
Jenn melts like a cartoon character and cannot focus on Tomas A.
Whatever he says, shes not fucking listening, bro.
ABC, show us the ass.
Hes decided to leave his head completely bandaged until physician assistant Jenn will unwrap him at the right moment.
After that is the fun vehicles portion of the program.
Aaron, Noah Erbs twin brother, arrives in a motorcycle and sidecar.
Jeremy arrives in a Corvette.
Jeremy looks and acts like a guy Samantha Jones would fuck in season two ofSex and the City.
WE DID IT!!
A BIG GUY ON THE BACHELORETTE!!
And just as Jenn said Hes got a real Pete I was typing Hes like Thicc Pete Davidson.
Hakeem brought so many balloons.
Just too many balloons.
Like an overwhelming, unsettling amount of balloons.
Jenn comes into the house and gives a surprisingly revealing toast for night one.
She says shes had toxic relationships and shes figured out she wants a ferocious love.
She doesnt expect them to be perfect and neither is she.
Theyre going to have fun (she will be proposing by the end of the season).
Sammm is the first to pull her aside and he thinks reckless is a synonym for ferocious.
Shes always poking nonspecific, well-meaning fun.
The Jenntlemen keep describing her as charming, vivacious, bubbly.
Shes just down for a good time.
Jenn is alsovery hornyand Im also interested in that.
Both of their mothers left the medical field to give them a better life.
He might be tied with Brett for Sweetie of the Century.
Okay, okay, okay, what happens next is so baffling and confusing.
They all play a game of Truth or Dare????????
Since fucking when are we doing shit like this!!!!
I did not sign up for games youd play at your co-workers co-ed bachelor/bachelorette weekend.
The only good thing to come out of this is Brett busting out the splits.
When the game settles down, Salmon says he doesnt want to kiss with lips.
He wants to kiss with souls.
Im going to work that into my wedding vows.
Hes very, very hot!
Brian comes out looking SWEATY AS HELL and hitting the lock-unlock button on the keys Jesse Palmer gave him.
They have the absolute mildest standoff in First Night history.
Im not excited by either of them.
Jenn sits down with Devin and three sentences in theyre talking about biting toes.
Devins a lil freak and Id like him to follow that instinct.
After a few other sit-downs, Jenn grabs the rose and scampers off into the night.
She picks … Sammm.
This is the latter.
They talk about how much chemistry they have and she says Ive been thinking about you about five times.
Shes coyly trying to bite her lip and her fingers to draw attention to her mouth Cher Horowitz style.
She finally grabs his head and … they MAKE OUT.
Theyre basically horizontal within ten seconds.
And they make out for a long time.
They keep cutting to the other men and back to Jenn and Sammm making out.
Boy, I wish I got the First Impression rose.
The competition is heating up.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Jenn says the kiss was feral.
Yeah, girl.We saw.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Seeing the guy with the red locs was a real jump-scare.
Every now and then you just completely forget a contestant exists until they get sent home.
But I didnt forget about Brett!
I better see him in Paradise!
The people are crying out for Brett!
The show is heading to new and exciting places because theyre all going to Melbourne, Australia!
The Hummingbird Ranch was only available for one night!
