The Bachelorette
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Greetings,Bachelor Nationslime puppies!
My name is Emily Palmer Heller, and I will be your humbleBacheloretterecapper this season.
(My first Bachelor: Chris Soules.
My favorite Bachelor: Ben Higgins.)
I hope that yall like how I watch this show!
Can Charity get things back on track?
Who knows, but from this first episode it is clear that she is GOOD AT THIS.
I am sorry to say we havent seen the last of these weird vibes!
Okay,nowits time for the men to arrive.
Every season, they make these men cram into a limo and chant the Bachelorettes name.
They do it on balconies and in pools and on football fields and it makes me giggle every time.
Up first out of the limo is Aaron B., a software salesman from San Diego.
He makes theKey & PeeleA.A.Ron joke because no one on this show can make a reference from beyond 2015.
What the fuck does that mean, A.A.Ron??
Was this a bit?
Did he tell Charity it was a double-sided coin so they could have a good laugh about it?
If so, thats fine, but why didnt we see that?
If not, its an extremely lame gimmick.
Release the Double-Sided Coin Cut!
Next up is Josh, a Harvard grad student from Pennsylvania.
I get the vibe that this guy hangs out with his mom too much.
Joey is a tennis pro who lives in Hawaii and his whole thing is White Dude Explaining Hawaiian Culture.
Also, he talks to a chicken.
Warwicks parents met on a flight, so he brought her a one-way plane ticket to his hometown.
Xavier is getting a doctorate in biochemistry.
We see a little footage of him messing around in a lab.
He works out but doesnt seem weird about it.
The only red flag is that he plays ukulele.
Next, we quickly run through a suite of forgettable men, so I will do the same.
Caleb B. is a family medicine doctor.
He brings out a stethoscope.
Khalid tells her what his name means.
I literally have nothing in my notes for Nick.
John Henry is an underwater welder, so he wears a diving helmet.
Too soon, John Henry!
Aaron S. is a firefighter, so he has them blow a candle out together.
Tanner makes a joke about a terrible towel, which Im told is a sports reference.
Heres where our editors have a little fun.
We get a little footage of him in the gym jumping onto tall things.
Chris is the guymost likely to just be here for the zip line.
?
?
??????????
But Spencer grows on me by the minute every time hes onscreen.
I think hes just a kinda weird, intense guy, which doesnt really translate well on TV.
(Were getting there, I promise.)
The fortune reads, You will meet the man of your dreams tonight.
His name is John.
This is the exact level of cheesy you should be bringing to the limo entrances!
Last up is Dotun, another tall king who was born in Nigeria.
Yall, this is so weird.
She even says she wasworriedthat he wouldnt be there to share this with her.
I … do not like these vibes.
I hate this so much.
YEAH, DUDE, THATS WHY YOU SHOULDNT BE HERE.
Heres the thing about this shtick: Its insulting and infantilizing.
Charity is a 27-year-old woman with a graduate degree.
Shes entirely capable of making her own decisions about who she wants to date without her big brothers input.
She doesnt need an extra layer of protection, as Nehemiah puts it.
This whole thing is so gross.
He also, like, doesnt really get any good gossip?
The only thing Nehemiah can come up with is that Brayden seems cocky.
Whew, okay, lets get into it.
Charity goes in for the kiss, and we get confessional footage of Brayden giddily describing the kiss.
Its gross, but in the way falling for someone is always gross to watch from the outside.
Theyre feeling it hard.
I have to begrudgingly admit that its sweet to hear him talk about how much he likes her.
This was a bad move even if Charitys brother werent secretly spying on him but an understandable one.
The feeling after a first kiss with someone you like is a really nice one!
This is a very silly thing to do!
But then he tells her that Brayden was so bold to say he might get a rose.
Dude, you asked!
You are intentionally misrepresenting what happened!
I hate when this show makes me go to bat for people who I dont actually like.
You cant penalize the guy for reading the room correctly!
She comes into the room where the men are gathered and asks to speak to Brayden.
Everyone knows that Nehemiah talked about him and assumes hes getting axed.
But Charity is smart and well-adjusted despite all of this nonsense.
She says that shewantsa man who talks about how excited he is about her.
It was in this moment that I remembered Charity is a therapist.
After that expert deescalation, we head to the rose ceremony.
In the This Season … onThe Bachelorette teaser, we get the classics.
Oh no, shes in love with more than one person!
Brayden wears MULTIPLE stupid earrings and no one seems to like him.
I really hope they dont make me defend this jabroni again.
I would rather just watch the nice boys cry!
