The Bachelorette
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But there is one reason I neglected to mention: We lose all momentum before the finale.
(Thats two references for the comedy nerds.)
My biggest complaint is that the bloated three-hour show makes me stay up past my bedtime.
You simply cannot have the same runtime asOppenheimerwithout even showing me Florence Pughs boobs.
Jesse comes out and tells us that were getting one of the most heartbreaking finales inBachelorettehistory.
Brayden is here, sitting next to Rachel Recchia.
(GET A JOB.
STAY AWAY FROM HER, etc.)
Gabby Windey broughtnew girlfriend Robby Hoffmanas her plus one.
Hell, mic her up.
This is an extremely stupid gimmick, and I kind of love it in theory if not in practice.
Shes so stressed about it shes burping like shes the Robert Durst of heartbreak.
She says, Excuse me, Im having acid reflux.
Ive literally never related to a Bachelorette until this exact moment.
Charity goes to have a conversation with Aaron where he talks about how highly he thinks of her.
He says that she always rose to the occasion.
This language really rubs me the wrong way.
It sounds like a job interview, not a passionate plea to take him back.
Also, I think saying that hes gonna try not to cry is a bad move.
Charity likes a softie who will feel his feelings!
This whole storyline is pointless.
Im fine with that.
Keep these gentlemen on their toes.
Poor Dotun is POURING sweat.
It is clearly sweltering in Fiji.
This is what those T-shirts meant by The Future Is Female.
Obviously, Charity sends Aaron home.
When shes breaking up with him, Aaron says, Im always in your corner.
My dude, you are notAl Silvani.
She doesnt need you!
I cant wait to see who submitted the best cover letter on hisBachelor in Paradiserun.
Creggcaliber spin right there.
They meet Joey first and immediately fall in love with him.
He gives all the right answers to their questions about shared values.
(Much like theFast & Furiousfranchise, the correct answer on this show is always just family.)
Its a home run for Joey with the Lawsons.
This is an extremely goofy gimmick.
Im okay with goofy.
This show could stand to be goofier!
But I should at least buy into the premise of the bit.
(Also, THIS MACRAME TANK TOP!!!
Charitys style is so on point this season.)
This is supposed to be a fantasy, and youre conjuring images of spreadsheets.
Its funny how the people closest to us can see things so differently.
After Dotun leaves, Charity basically asks her family to tell her who to choose.
Charity gets increasingly frustrated with her family as they continue to insist that this decision is hers alone.
This conversation is fascinating because theyre also talking about the show without actually talking about the show.
Charity says her mom is usually so direct, but shes not being direct with her right now.
Vickie says, I am being direct.
Its in this moment that I see where Charity got her sharp emotional perception and linguistic precision.
(Also her adorable smile.)
Vickie says, I cant put words out there because I need to be responsible for those words.
Translation: Im not going to trash someone on TV who might be my future son-in-law.
Charity heads to her final date with Joey, still upset about the conversation with her family.
I was pretty vocal against Joey as Bachelor, but I have to admit hes nailing his audition here.
Oh, whoops, were doing the studio audience thing again.
Kat says she would love to date Joey, and Brooklyn jumps in and says it could be Dotun.
Okay, one of two things happened here.
Either Kat knows the Bachelor is Joey and accidentally spilled the beans so Brooklyn jumped in to save it.
Or that whole thing was basically scripted.
No offense to Brooklyn but she doesnt seem that quick on her feet.
Even Poseidon cant stand these two.
You had your shot with a cohort of 25 suitors; its honestly embarrassing to have another go!
Gorgeous, no notes.
Jesse also drops the bomb thatBachelor in ParadiseandGolden Bachelorwill be airing on the same night.
Why would they do this to us??
Finally were onto Dotuns last date.
He brings a treasure hunt, which is just little memories from their journey covered by palm leaves.
If I wasnt already absolutely sure it was Dotun, this would have pushed him over the edge.
The treasure is a locket with their baby pictures and he tells her, You are my treasure.
(Much like me with actual state fair corn.)
But theres still a weird vibe because theyre both acutely aware that shes also in love with Joey.
The Bachelor editors think theyre slick with these fakeouts!
All thats left to do now is get ready for an engagement.
She doesnt even touch the makeup brush to her face that has clearly been airbrushed by a professional.
OMG Neils back!!!!!
When was the last time we saw Neil Lane in person on one of these shows?
I missed that man so much.
Heading to the final rose, Charity is super-emotional.
Yep, this man is your Bachelor.
Hell do a good job.
Hes learned from the best.
These moments right here are what make the show so incredible.
Hes smiling while she tells him that their journey was amazing, all whileweknow a but is coming.
And this but is a doozy.
She cant even get any more words out.
He tells her its okay and hugs her for a long time.
She gets it together enough to finish her speech, saying that he deserves to hear it.
This breakup conversation is brutal.
After lots of tears, we cut over to Joey on the After the Final Rose couch.
Charity comes out, and its the first time theyve spoken since their breakup.
Shes giggling nervously, but its a very friendly interaction between two people who clearly care about each other.
Now its time for the happy ending.
Dotun and Charity say all the nice things to each other.
She has to stand on a box for their post-engagement interview.
Her neck is going to be perpetually sore.
Charity and Dotun come out and theyre very happy and in love.
This lady is clearly still #TeamJoey.
So ABC is sending them on a pre-honeymoon to Greece.
She might break up with you to start dating an alt-comic.
He asks about modern dating, and his granddaughter says he needs to get better at texting.
They all roast him about signing his texts -Dad.
We can no longer delay the inevitable: Joey is announced as Bachelor.
The woman that will be joining his cast is the first person we talked to, Leia from Hawaii.
I cannot figure out the point of this.
Did they always know it was going to be Leia?
Did they gauge social media reactions to see who people liked?
The catch is that she can only open it once she gets to the mansion.
And with that, were left with just enough mystery to see to it you tune in toThe Bachelor.
Im exhausted, arent you?
The announcement thatBachelor in ParadiseandGolden Bachelorwill airat the same timefinally broke me.
This was such a fantastic season!
I should be left reinvigorated for the Bachelor franchise!
Part of loving something is missing it and being excited to see it again.
I worry that withHollywood strikesdelaying so much scripted content, this deluge is only going to get worse.
Anyway, see you in a month forBachelor in Paradise!
