The Bachelorette
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Could this possibly be the horniest season ofThe Bachelorettein history?
And could this be the first season ofThe Bachelorettewhere the leads ovulation goggles fully ruin the season??
He seems like he belongs more onFBoy IslandthanThe Bachelorette.Dislike.
Stand up!!!
Someone kindly protect Jens heart (and her credit score)!
Especially when there are so many absolute sweeties.
But lets get into it.
(Shout out to Olivia for holding it down last week!)
The quickness with which Thomas went from No.
1 sweetheart to henchman is devastating.
The first date card of the week goes to Spencer!
Sure, I guess!!
But he seems sweet enough.
Jenn says shes looking for someone to put her first and feel comfortable.
He made sure that the corners were all baby-proofed and tested the temperature of the bathtub with his elbow.
Its time for the evening portion of the date and Jenn loves a sparkly gown with a boa.
Shes a hot, petite bitch and shes decided that Jean Harlow is her style icon.
Jenn hears this and asks if Spencer has an inherent distrust of engagements and love.
Spencer says that he jumps all in when it comes to love and hes ready to be engaged again.
Id be asking how often he sees a therapist and if hes doing cognitive-behavioral or talk therapy.
I guess they have chemistry and I guess they like each other?
Spencer gets the rose and the fireworks makeout, so I guess this is more serious than I anticipated.
Pretend like youre holding onto two poles and …roll.Add him to the house.
He retreats into his mind palace and cooks up a scheme that is unhinged.
(1) Oh, Devin, there areplentyof women who are into hairy chests and soft bodies.
And (2) you know who else didnt have abs and probably had a hairy chest?
Bret can do a split!
We could have brought the real thunder!
They also had the first bisexual Bachelorette.
We gotta get our eyes on Australia, and I need way more information on Bachelorette sisters.
Every guy has a sexy costume and comes up with his own alter ego.
Dylan is a C-E-Make you O!.
Marcus is astronaut Neil Real-strong.
Thomas A. is a snake charmer, and he is just carrying a snake in jeans.
He whispers in her ear, Its not PG tonight.
Cast out this dark magic!!
YESSS!!!!!
This is the energy we want to see!!
Again, fellas, a soft body and a good sense of humor will get youveryfar.
Sam M. cannot comprehend that there is another source of tactical, sexual sorcery.
Salmon also immediately goes into self-loathing about how pathetic he is and how everyone is judging him.
Sir, youre onThe Bachelorette.Youre being judged by more people than you could possibly fathom.
Ive dated the guy who texts you Oh my god, Im stupid.
Im so fucking stupid when you confront him about commenting a tongue-out emoji on Instagram baddies bikini pics.
isnt the way to go.
Sam M. wants to be the big dog.
Sam M. takes Jenn aside and STRADDLES HER ON THE COUCH!!!
THIS IS TOO MUCH!!
THIS IS OVER THE TOP!!
And it could be sooner than later because Devin gets the group-date rose.
Its time for the next group date of the week and its with four guys?
At a racetrack??
That sounds like a fake reason a guy breaks up with you and is never seen again.
Jenn is an adrenaline junkie, and she says shes not a gals gal and she prefers sneakers.
There is no greater status in this world than being a girl with lots of girlfriends.
Okay, this date.
Its a big ol whatever.
Thats the way to her heart.
Austin ends up winning the race, but she gives the group date rose to Jeremy.
My favorite part of this date is anytime they film a talking head of Jenn, her lipstick isgone.
Its smudged all over her face or completely wiped off.
They didnt even pretend to touch her up.
He says hes not going to name names, and hes not trying to scare her.
Theres no way she could be interested in a man like that.
A man like what?
Medium cute and funny?
Thats who every woman ends up marrying if shes smart.
They dont marry the fuckboy with a catchphrase.
Spencer yells at everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP and says Simmer!
Okay, this seventh-grade math teacher energy?
Im starting to see it.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Just bang this guy and get it out of your system!
!
