The Bachelorette
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Not since I last said, Im not feeling this weed gummy.
Im gonna take another, have I been so quickly proven wrong.
Instead of shutting it down immediately like she did with her brother, Charity lets the accusations rattle her.
I was very much hoping that she would resist these petty little squabbles.
But were not there yet.
This is the thing about normies: They dont know when to drop a bit.
A cowboy hat on night one is fun and memorable.
Even Jesse Palmer drags him for it.
If the blandest man in America drops an F-bomb to make fun of you, its time to reassess.
Up first is the one-on-one, which goes to Aaron B., a.k.a.
A. Ron, a.k.a.
He walks outside to see Charity and a red convertible.
All the guys come out to gawk at it.
I checked back in when Aaron finally revealed that his coin is double-sided.
Like, yes, obviously, but thank you for telling us because I was going insane.
You had that line planned before you got on the plane to California!
Over the dinner that no one eats, Aaron does his required trauma-dumping for love points.
All the boys are going to therapy!!!
Meanwhile, back at the house, we get some real Dudes Rock content.
Several of the guys play around in the pool doing backflips off the hot tub.
But, uh-oh, here comes the fun police!
Adrian and Firefighter Aaron see some boys goofing around and decide we cant have that.
Firefighter Aaron says, I can tell whos here for the right reasons and whos not.
He was doing this last week too when the guys were messing around doing backflips in the house.
This guy HATES sick jumps.
(Or, more realistically, hes sad he wasnt invited to the boys hot-tub party.)
Adrian says that because hes a dad, he needs to be SERIOUS ABOUT THE PROCESS.
I have a baby, too, Adrian, and I still like to have fun with my friends.
Tim Robinson isan actual prophet.
It says, Suns out, buns out.
When they get to the date, it seems like they will just play beach games.
Oh, sweet Tanner, dont you know how this show works?
Jesse can hear you!
That honor goes to Adrian, who gets to join the winning team at the postgame cocktail party.
Brayden actually says at the cocktail party that Caleb should have been MVP, which bristles Adrian.
This is a television show; everything that happens is a catalyst for storylines.
Yes, on camera Charity picked the MVP, but shes talking to producers all day.
He brings up the pool shenanigans …
I guess implying that when Charity isnt around the guys should be sitting around quietly thinking about her?
These guys dont have their phones, they dont even give thembooksto read.
They are allowed to goof around!
Im sorry to say that Charity takes the bait, telling the men that shes worried about their intentions.
She uses Adrians language of guys acting like theyre on spring break.
But, and this is important, Adrian doesnt get the group date rose; John does.
They are sometimes successful in that quest, but the dragon slayer is notably never the hero.
Being a tattletale is just not sexy.
Well get back to this, but first, we have to talk quickly about the second group date.
Side note: I love Charitys wardrobe this season.
Shout out to her stylist.
That black-and-white sequin jumpsuit is gorgeous.
Okay, onto group date number two.
How will they do that?
By attempting to break a record for the longest kiss in Bachelor history, previously set by Sean Lowe.
But first, were doing kind of a Newlywed Gamestyle quiz thing?
But also they have to kiss their hands to show us how theyd make out?
This is a REACH.
Anyway, Joey wins because he makes a lot of eye contact (?
There he tells Charity that his dad is gay, but his parents still have a great relationship.
Happy Pride to Joeys dad!
Okay, two things here.
The next day, Jesse comes in with a classic good-news-bad-news fake out.
Bad News: Theres not a cocktail party.
Good News: Theres a barbecue!
Just likeLogan did last season, Brayden is trying to make himself the shows main character.
This is a phenomenon unique toThe Bachelorette, which I think has its roots in some heteronormative bullshit.
The power balance in these shows is wildly weighted in the leads favor.
Thats manipulative and gross on its own, but Brayden doesnt even have the backbone to follow through!
That means Josh, John Henry, the other two C/Kalebs, and Spencer are going home.
Ill miss you, Spencer; I cant wait for you to weird everyone out onBachelor in Paradise.
