The Bachelorette
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The devil, Mike Fleiss, works hard, but theBarbiemarketing team works harder.
Lets get right into it.
Everyone debriefs about the Brayden situation the morning after the rose ceremony.
Charity comes in and apologizes for ending last nights barbecue early.
I thought, Wow, its only episode three.
Is this the earliest theyve left the Bachelor Mansion?
until Charity announces theyre jet-setting away … to Oceanside, California.
I looked it up on Google Maps thats a whopping 83 miles south of Los Angeles.
It could have been a day trip!
The Oceanside Tourism Board must have given ABC one hell of a deal.
Charity also announces that one of the contestants will get a one-on-one date on the way to Oceanside.
Surprise, surprise, its Brayden.
Im not editorializing here; someone literally says, Surprise, surprise.
Up in the air, the helicopter passes by Bachelor Mansion.
I think this interaction is a good encapsulation of the Problem With Brayden.
Hes not a bad person; hes just a goober.
Because, like, I get it.
Its a fucking annoying energy to be around.
If they just leave him alone, hell inevitably hang himself on his own mall-kiosk scarf!
Charity thinks this is hilarious, and they repeat shitake mushrooms several times.
This is what I mean about Brayden just being annoying.
What Charityisnervous about is that Brayden was talking about wanting to leave after hearing about last weeks group date.
Thats clearly not going to happen, though.
Ive watched this show for long enough to see an attempted curveball coming.
Brayden successfully convinces Charity that he is here for her.
He writes, Youre worth trying for on a baseball and gives it to Charity.
Brayden gets the rose, obviously.
Back at the Oceanside hotel, a group-date card arrives.
(Jojo and Jordan get a successful bachelorette couple chyron, lol.)
We get a little video from Simu Liu, who says hes a proud member of Bachelor Nation.
(Simu, if youre reading this, can I have $60,000?
Id love to pay off my student loans.)
These types of spon-con rarely do both and sometimes do neither.
(Remember Ben Higginss awfulRide Alongdate?)
Side note: There are a lot more group dates with audiences this season.
Is this a budget thing to make cheap dates seem bigger?
The Barbie Beach Concert kicks off, and everyone does an okay job.
Unlike the rest of the men, Caleb can hold a tune, but Sean (a.k.a.
Double Denim Ken) gets the one-on-one time, seemingly because he looks the most like Ken.
Charitys bang out is apparently Action Figure, and Aaron S. takes issue.
For one thing, that sounds exhausting.
But, more importantly, its 2023.
Ryan Gosling with bleached hair is our ideal man.
Thankfully for us, hes easy to ignore because Charitydoesprefer a soft boy (me too, babe).
Im not mad at it, but I also have nothing to say about it.
I guess well see!
Ill keep this brief, mostly for his sake.
Its a carnival date, and Warwick adorably cant believe they have the whole park to themselves.
But things quickly go downhill.
The editors do him dirty here, showing footage of dead air and Charity awkwardly trying to make conversation.
This is excruciating to watch and exactly what I want from these early episodes.
More of this energy, just!
Im way more interested in the awkward realities of dating than in circular fights about semantics.
But circular fights about semantics are exactly what were going to get.
Aaron B. says hes only telling her this because Ive grown protective of your feelings …
I just dont want to see you waste your time.
Again, Charity is an adult who can handle her own feelings.
To Aarons very minor credit, he tells Brayden what he said.
But this is why I hate defending this guy.
Charity, unfortunately, does take the bait and pulls Brayden aside to hear his side of things.
Her lips are pursed so tight I worry shes going to get stuck like that.
This girl is PISSED.
The shows central tension is that this is an insane way to find a spouse.
Braydens problem isnt that hes here for the wrong reasons.
Braydens problem is that he takes the idea of an engagement too seriously.
Its not legally binding; it just looks good on TV.
As is often the case, though, this strategy backfires on Aaron.
Aaron B., Caleb, Xavier, Joey, Michael, John, Sean, and Tanner get roses.
Tune in next week for anOppenheimerdate to put us all out of our misery!
(This is a joke, unfortunately.)
