The Bachelorette
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NO NO NO!!!!
NO THANK YOU!!!!
Nein again!!!!!
Up until the end,The Bachelorettehad a truly fascinating episode on its hands this week.
Jenn trying desperately to justify Sam M. wanting topush her off a buildingfor the lolz!
Salmon exuding incredible Nerd in a fedora and tactical kilt who watched one Andrew Tate video energy!
Devin saying something so beautiful I whispered to myself, Thats beautiful!
And it was all thrown into the GODDAMNED TRASH over some five-foot-nine situationship from three years ago.
Whats killing me is that Jenn CLEARLY doesnt want this!
Im sorry, thats too long ago.
Really, is this what anyone wants?
Got him in your minds eye?
Now imagine he flew 24 hours to tell you he loved you.
Youre jumping into that New Zealand harbor, arent you?
Lets get into it.
Theyre in Auckland, New Zealand, because traveling anywhere else is cost-prohibitive before Hometowns.
Jesse reveals some Bachelor Cinematic Universelore that hes the reason theyre not allowed to eat on one-on-one dates.
Jenn arrives where all the jentlemen are hanging out, and Sam M. gets the one-on-one date.
Spoiler alert: He laughs at her pain!
Ha ha … what?
He says when he straddled her on the couch was their actual first date.
My biggest thing with Sam M. is that this entire date is such aBachelorettegimme.
ALL HE HAS TO DO is hug her and tell her hes got her back.
Its theBacheloretteequivalent of bowling with bumpers, and Sam M. cant do it.
Fuck off, dude!
He keeps insisting that shell regret not doing it and that shes gonna do it.
Second foul: He says hes going to push her!!!!
Its the weird line of thinking that happens when you expose straight men to self-help content.
HesThe 48 Laws of Powering her.
Jenn is weeping, full-on crying, and hes laughing.
Jenn, extrapolate those feelings to the man, not just the situation.
She grabs him and breaks down into tears.
Only then does he realize that hes supposed to comfort her.
Im sorry, does anyone (besides Jenn) like this guy?
Back at the hotel, everyone but Devin will be on the group date.
At the night portion of the date, Jenn is looking for Sam M. to go deeper.
I would like to ask his former fiancee if thats what happened.
Again, Im so completely over this man, and this story was so, so generic.
Listen, I dont doubt that it happened, but I have some follow-up questions.
A man like Sam doesnt just say, I knew I wasnt really being chosen.
This is a sex robot thats been taught English by watching episodes of dating reality shows.
He gets the rose and the Big Tower lights up in red … for a rose.
Right, a rose.
For the group date, the contesticles are playing rugby.
Salmon has decided that today is the day.
Hes going to kiss Jenn.
He also keeps saying hes got bad bitch energy.
He keeps saying hes not wasting any more energy on Devin … while demanding Devin give him answers.
Sam M. seems INCREDIBLY bothered by Devin, and Devin seems baffled by the whole situation.
Back on the group date, theres a rugby-training montage where only Marcus has any idea whats going on.
Salmon also has written Jenns Husband on the back of his jersey, and I am alienated.
In the end, he takes it way too seriously and his team wins.
Like giving the trophy its own chair.
Like power-walking into the room.
Everyone is immediately over Salmons nonsense.
Theyre mostly laughing about how truly bizarre hes being.
Tangent time: I was in an improv show at an independent theater in Chicago.
There was this one guy in our group named Ken.
One show, it was revealed that Kens character cheated on his ex-wife and thats why they got divorced.
He just couldnt handle that his character had any negative traits or did anything bad.
His fictional, made-up improv character.
I cannot emphasize enough how there were regularly eight people in the audience.
We had a cast meeting and confronted him about it and he insisted he didnt plan anything.
Half of the cast spent the rest of the run trying their hardest to absolutely destroy Kens character.
Im having the same feelings watching Salmon as I did in that improv show.
The guys that come out of this group date looking great are Marcus and Jonathan.
Jonathan takes Jenn aside and asks her, How was your day?
while they play lacrosse because they both played in college.
Its time for Devins one-on-one date.
This date is all about sharing culture and tradition, and did we know that Jenn is Buddhist?
Is this our first Buddhist Bachelorette?!?
They ask Devin to stand up and talk about where hes from.
He says his dad immigrated from Mexico and he was raised in Houston.
GIVE HIM THE FINAL ROSE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
I CRIED!!!
I WEPT!!!
THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT!!!!
He won it right there.
PUT IT IN MY WEDDING VOWS!!!!!!!!
I forget exactly how much of this we heard in Joeys season, but whoa.
Jenns dad sounds like a piece of fucking work.
He gets the rose and a singer appears out of the shadows for them.
Devin says, I cant play it cool.
I cant play it safe.
I want it to be me.
Then Matt arrives on the scene, and Ive made it clear how I feel about that.
Jenn seems shocked that he didnt go to both of the weddings.
