The Bachelorette
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Okay, lets just get this out of the way.
I hate the Men Tell All episodes.
There is very rarely any new information or context that matters.
Theyre just rehashing drama weve already seen, digested, and moved on from.
I dont care about any of this anymore!
But these shows are populated by narcissists, so they very much need to have the last word.
This applies to all reality reunion shows, which I unilaterally dislike (judgingHousewivesfashions excepted, obviously).
Its exhausting and a waste of airtime!
If you really must do a reunion, do it all at once.
I have been very clear about my stance that only what happens on the show is canon.
(Hey, Disney did it withStar Wars; they can do it withThe Bachelor.)
So lets get into this very expensive piece of fan fiction.
He has the exact cadence of someone filming a ransom video.
There is no light in his eyes.
This is exactly why we need Jesse Palmer.
Chris Harrison would never let himself be talked into saying something so beautifully asinine.
Thats beautiful to me.
I think I love this weirdo.
But of course the big story of the night is Brayden, the clear villain of the season.
Jesse gives the other men a chance to air their grievances, which are twofold.
The first is that he called Charity classless, which he denies.
(He did.)
(I highly doubt one cocktail-party conversation is a make-or-break moment.)
Brayden argues that hes being authentic and real, and he doesnt care if that upsets the guys.
If this all sounds familiar, thats because it very much is!
This is the problem with the Men Tell All.
I have already stopped caring about Brayden and his earrings.
Cursing like regular is going to become part of my lexicon now, so thanks for that, Brayden.
Next, Jesse wants to address the mild dustup after Sean failed to read the room in Oceanside.
This is so inconsequential I have literally nothing to say about it.
Several of the guys wrote FP at the end of some Instagram posts, which stands for Fuck Peter.
This is the problem with the social-media universe bleeding into the show universe.
Dont assume I already know about it.
This kind of petty gossip, though?
Save it for r/BachelorNation.
For all of Braydens talk about honesty, this is a damn lie.
That, or hes delusional.
Charity has ten other guys to make out with; she isnt thinking about you.
Brayden went back because a producer convinced him to.
This is the fundamental problem with this archetype of villain.
OfcourseBrayden is going toParadise.
We get footage of him making out with Kat, a fellow villain whose main crime is being annoying.
Hold on; theyve already shotBachelor in Paradise???
Strange, the passage of time.
This is the only conflict I find interesting and worth exploring on the Men Tell All.
Charity was so caught off guard when Xavier went home that the conversation benefited from having time to process.
Charity says that Xavier should have told her about his past infidelities before that dinner.
I am inclined to agree, but its tricky!
This is another way that the show fucks with relationship dynamics.
Yes, you should absolutely tell someone about your past relationships before you get engaged.
(And not just infidelity!
Its good to talk about past relationships and what you learned from them with your current partner.
I highly recommend it.)
But do you oughta tell them before you have sex for the first time?
Do you oughta tell them before you say you love them?
I dont think there are hard and fast rules to this one, and reasonable people can disagree.
Anyway, clearly Xavier reads these recaps, because he brings Charity aknit rose.
Looking forward to his career as a knitting/polyamory influencer!
Okay, were almost done.
Captain Tom is in the audience!
The last 15 minutes are dedicated to introducing our Golden Bachelor.
Oh my God, yall, I cant believe this is finally happening.
I initially scoffed at the idea of this show, but Im actually pretty excited for it.
Either that, or well get more of aHousewivesvibe, with middle-age women getting boozed up and complaining.
If there is a God (and hes gay), well get both.
