The Bachelorette
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I know, I know.
Everyone has stayed up for 24-plus hours filming the premiere.
In the words of Jenn, We like to torture ourselves.
Cool, cool, cool.
Once in Australia, we kick things off with a group date.
Class, this is what we call foreshadowing.
They sample a ton of foods, almost all of which are dairy-centric.
The race in question is processing lactose.
1 guy in this group.
Is this what ferocious love means?
I remain unconvinced this phrase isnt subliminal marketing for a Colleen Hoover novel.
Yeah, sure, okay.
Jenn gets all hot and bothered because Grant says hes a man whose mission is to have a family.
Meanwhile, onThe Real Mansion Men, the producers tell Aaron and his Wilma Flintstone choker to confront Devin.
Devin retorts with quippy, impossible-to-refute barbs like Thats your lens and Im not placing judgment on you.
I need to know how many hours of Bravo programming this man has watched with his mom.
Jenn says she doesnt like that the boys are fighting but makes out with Devin nonetheless.
I love this for her.
Next up, Marcus gets a one-on-one date.
Jenn is absolutely blasted with adrenaline and thrilled that Marcus showed up for her.
This is like me showing up for someone by writing an email.
Again, the bar, it is on the ground.
It works for Jenn.
Nothing about this exercise is going to help me differentiate the herd.
We do, however, learn that Jenn fosters kittens.
I love Jenn and her shiny hair/soul more with each subsequent minute.
The bros don leather vests and Nigel Barker takes photos of them posing with Jenn and various animal models.
Spiders have no reason to be looking like if the Grim Reaper were also a Transformer.
Sounds like a horror movie to me, but Jenn gives him a rose for showing up for her.
(She reserves the right to revoke it upon receipt of his pending MCAT scores.)
In case it was not apparent, the theme of this episode is showing up.
The answer, of course, is a unionization attempt.
Because fairness and brotherhood.
(To be abundantly clear, this is a pro-union household!
Youre on your own.)
In the interim, Aaron and Devin are still fighting.
Aaron calls Devin the wrong name and then gives him a book that helped him grow as a person.
So sorry, not buying it, buddy.
Devin knows exactly what hes doing.
Hes a Bethenny Frankel sun, Nick Viall moon, and DJ James Kennedy rising.
Alas, Jenn is still horny (hell yeah, brother).
The common thread for the smoochers is being hot and doing even six seconds of cheeky banter.
Take note, boys!
Then, its time for the rose ceremony.
Thanks for having me!
This recap has been updated to correct the spelling of Jenns name.
