The Bachelorette
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Before we get into the recap, here are two pieces of Bachelor World news worth discussing.
Dont worry; they addressed the question that surely sprung to everyones mind: What of the dogs?
Our dogs Ramen & Pinot will continue to be cared for together as brothers.
While their humans are no longer romantically involved, we will love and take care of them together.
In addition to the requisite Instagram statement, Windey got a full segment onThe Viewtogush about her new girlfriend.
In hindsight, I should have known Windey was queer.
Shes annoying in a very specific way that youd recognize if youve spent any time at Cubbyhole.
(I say this with nothing but love and kinship; I identify as an annoying bisexual.)
Congrats, ladies, and c’mon invite me to brunch.
I simply have to know what these two talk about.
Jesse is here to debrief with Charity, a.k.a.
set up the theme for each overnight date.
Xavier: Is he ready to get engaged?
Dotun: Is he too good to be true; Joey: Am I getting the real Joey?
Each of these questions will be answered in one way or another, which is just good television.
In other words, these producers are finally producing!
The first overnight date goes to Xavier.
This mans downfall is downright Shakespearean.
Lets get into it.
The daytime part of the date is a Fijian wedding ceremony on a private island.
The Fijians split Charity and Xavier up and dress them for the ceremony.
During the ceremony, things start to get weird.
Okay, so maybe this guy just talks in weird metaphors.
That would track with everything else we know about him.
Hes (sorry) kind of adorkable.
Remember last week when I said I thought this teased return of Aaron was a fake-out?
I was a damn fool.
OfcourseAaron is going to take a stab at come back.
He absolutely seems like the pop in of guy who thinks its romantic to wear a girl down.
Which is not to say that this is a bad thing to happen for the show.
Its still good TV.
We need these moments of yelling NOOOOO at our screens.
I do not like Aaron, but I will admit hes bringing good conflicts.
But were not there yet.
Ahead of the dinner that no one eats, Charity reiterates her fear that Xavier will hurt her.
Shes acknowledging that he reminds her of her ex, who cheated on her.
The dramatic irony here is so good it might as well be scripted.
At dinner, Xavier tells Charity that he was unfaithful in a past relationship.
All due respect toMr.
Christopher Nolan, but this onscreen bomb hits harder than the Trinity Test scene.
She asks several clarifying questions: Was it more than once?
How long ago was it?
(Two years into his last relationship.)
What work has he done on himself since then?
(Be more introspective?????)
Charity walks Xavier to the car, and he says, I love you, as they hug good-bye.
The next morning Charity says she sent him home because shes not here to fix anybody.
Next up is Joeys date.
Hes still uneasy because he doesnt know why Charity was crying so hard when she left his hometown.
He says it felt like a good-bye, so he was surprised to get a rose last week.
Joeys explanation makes total sense.
With that out of the way, they head into the water for theBen Higgins Boner Memorial Waterfall Kiss.
This is a very relatable fear, but it is very funny when said out loud.
Yeah, people usually think Im SOOOO GREAT AND CHARMING AND HANDSOME.
Its no wonder these relationships rarely work out.
You dont even know if theyre rude to waiters!
Anyway, Joey tells Charity hes in love with her, and the smile on her face is huge.
She says she is in love with him too.
These folks are headed to pound town NOW.
That, friends, is what we call a full-circle moment!
Joey should be worried, though, because next up is Dotuns date.
The theme of this date is Too Good to Be True?
They go jet-skiing in the crystal blue water of the … Pacific Ocean?
They have a Champagne picnic on a sandbar.
What are producers telling people when they audition?
Youre just going to date this cool lady?
But Dotun tells Charity that it doesnt scare him.
which is the only normal way to approach this.
He tells Charity hes in love with her, and she says it back.
Hang on; this is just a thing we do now?
Ben Higgins died for your sins!!!!
That man was dragged to pieces for telling the final two women that he loved them.
Telling someone you loved them was, in essence, telling them they won.
Now its just an expected part of the journey, like helicopter dates and stealth Christian undertones.
Aaron finally shows up while Charity lounges poolside, asking the front desk for her room number.
The only point of this scene is to make Aaron look like a fool.
How did you know where she was staying but not her room number?
Because producers wanted to make you look stupid and desperate.
You shouldnt have let them talk you into flying out here, dude!
Take the L and hope you get a good edit onParadise!
Charity is flustered but says shes happy to see him and tells him she was (is?)
falling in love with him.
Dont reward this behavior!
But first we have to get through a Men Tell All next week.
Mother of Mercy, have pity on us!
