The Bachelorette
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And because the universe balances out your greatest wins, its time to talk about Fantasy Suites.
Lets get into it.
What the fuck is going on with these men?
If you want a low-stakes dating experience, might I suggestAre You the One?orFBoy IslandorLove Island.
(I think that last one is low stakes?
I havent seen it.
There are too many episodesandtheyre allowed to have their phones?
Im already overwhelmed.)
Thats not how you talk about your future wife.
Can they have their money now?
Then they catch up on how each of their relationships is going.
This is what I wanted from my Two BachelorettesTM.
I want to see my gals sipping Champagne, talking about their boyfriends deep-seated traumas.
Gabby is starting her week off with Erich.
Read: exchange several orgasms.
Erich says, This has to last forever now.
Same goes for Gabby saying I wanna crawl inside you.
In terms of Eldritch body horror, its pretty romantic.
Gabby is blissfully happy, and they head up to the Fantasy Suite.
No wacky Fantasy Suites this time.
No floating sex barges or traditional precolonial Mexican houses.
Everyone is fucking in the Executive Luxury Suite at this hotel.
My gal got RUMPLED LAST NIGHT.
But as well see, these men just cant help themselves.
Then we get little glimpses into Tinos inner workings, something that no one needs or wants.
He wants to throw up at the thought of Rachel wanting to spend the night with someone else.
Your dick is not that powerful, Tino.
There is no dick that powerful.
Its time for Rachels date with Aven!
He is such a lil sweetie that I know pretty much nothing about!
Rachel and Aven spend their pre-date interviews going on about how attractive they think the other one is.
There have been engagements built on much less.
Rachel and Ave what?
Were cutting back to Tino?!
Sitting down with Jesse?!!
What is happening here?
First of all, Tino does not have main-character energy, and we should stop giving him main-character time.
He hasOh, I didnt know Jason Segel was in thisenergy.
Secondly, can we not continually interrupt Avens date with this nonsense?
Aven has been through enough.
His hometown date had to happen before the Men Tell All.
Cant he get his moment?
Thats the vibe, and I want that for Rachel.
He also gets the fireworks at the end of the night.
The next morning, Rachel says that Aven has the whole package and is the full package.
When she leaves, she says, Dont forget about me!
Dont forget Im falling in love with you!
Rachel is the punch in to never forget a thank-you card.
So meat!, and then just keeps quietly repeating horses!
Because we havent seen great judgment from Tino so far.
As I said out loud to my boyfriend on the couch, Well, thats the game!
Moving on to Gabby and Johnnys date.
There is a sailboat.
We do know that.
Do any of us see Johnny getting down on one knee?
Especially when hes been in previews forBachelor in Paradise?
Well, hes not ready to propose to Gabby, and Im guessing the main reason is 25-year-old Realtor.
Somehow Erich and Jason manage to have two separate but equal freak-outs about the concept of this television program.
Playfully bending the rules to give your lady a smooch?
A fucking slam dunk at the buzzer, my guy!
After you already said it feels like shes cheating on you?
And youve already had this conversation, and it seems like she reassured you?
A pull away gently?
Yeah, thats it.
She feels like she walked into a test that she doesnt want to do on-camera.
She feels like they already had this conversation.
See you all tonight for the epic conclusion of Fantasy Suites!
