Summer House
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I have a question for you.
It is non-rhetorical and extremely important.
WhatwouldJesse Solomon (always both names!)
Thank the Catholic Jesus and St. Artemios, the patron saint of testicles.
(Its a thing.)
What is he doing over here bogarting all the nuts like a fat squirrel in the autumn?
Its not pronounced done.
Its pronounced like Don, as in Draper.
Then a producer asks, So its like Chers closet inClueless?
And Danielle says yes.
Girl, that is your logline; that is your elevator pitch.
I immediately got it and wanted to download it.
I want Chers closet, but I dont want whatever a Donne is.
(Sounds like someone who was bad onThe Challenge.)
When everyone arrives at the beach for their final weekend, well, thats when I cried.
This season has to end?
Its been so wonderful, so perfect, so fun.
CantSummer Housejust stay on all year?
Cant we lock them in the house again like we did during COVID?
Its what we deserve.
Sorry, I digress.
West holds two of the balls up in front of Ciara and says, Me, but blue.
Funny and also accurate.
Jesse gets up at the dinner, and he says he has a song to sing.
The editors gifted us with a little record scratch because not a single person wants to hear this.
No wonder Kyle had it stuck in his head the whole next day.
Just when I think we cant love these newbies more, they go and do this.
Kyle said, Wouldnt it be awkward if I got hard right now?
Okay, now he is just pandering to me by creating this Men dot com scene.
(Straights, do not go to Men dot com, especially in front of your salad.)
Everything is a joke.
Youre the biggest joke, Amanda tells her, and whoo-boy, did that hit close to home.
If only ugly were a choice for most of us.
This is going to be productive.
and a 10 percent commission on all sales and equity in the new mocktini company.
Carl goes upstairs to talk to Lindsay about it; rightfully, she has questions.
When will it start?
How much equity is he getting?
Did he clarify that he doesnt want to be a Loverboy employee?
Carl doesnt really want to answer any of this because hes big mad for no reason.
Do you want to talk to him?
he asks her facetiously.
She wants the deets, and I think shes right to ask.
Thats not what Carl wants.
He writes a script for her: Thats awesome.
Im here to help in any way I can.
But what if its not awesome?
What if the terms are terrible?
What if the start date conflicts with something else Lindsay has going on?
She needs to know before just rubber-stamping whatever just happened.
Lindsay sums it up quite neatly when she says, What am I supposed to be yay!
Nothing has been done.
At the party, Lindsay goes inside and talks to Ciara a little bit about it.
Amen to that, sister.
Pray to St. Gengulphus, the patron saint of difficult marriages.
(Its a thing.)
Carl then falls back on his old chestnut of needing softness and tenderness from her.
This is such bullshit.
Remember how she treated Stravvy or whatever the hell that guys name is?
That was like cuddling a brick.
Compared to that, Lindsay is like the red Teletubby on Mollyandmushrooms.
Carl is getting plenty of softness and tenderness.
Carl then gets upset at her because shes getting activated.
Can you put down your sword?
Lindsay finally tells Carl that hes asking her to be something shes not.
She looked at the carnage of the guests in their dark makeup and jewelry made out of baby-doll parts.
