Southern Charm
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Just look at what is going on with this mountain vacation.
We get no Leva, no Venita, no Madison, no Miss Pat.
We dont even check in with them.
Its just the dudes, Olivia and Taylor, the other two sides of the currentSouthern Charmlove rhombus.
Just like my Instagram feed, its just dudes, dudes, dudes everywhere.
The day starts at Sheps cabin, where he is drinking milk straight from the jug.
Shepherd Rose is the only 43-year-old high school junior in the universe.
He says he gets the rapids right up his butthole.
Thats funny because Rodrigo calls his penis the rapids.
Just kidding, my loverboy Rodrigo would never hook up with someone like JT.
Hes way too handsome to stoop so low.
My favorite part of fishing was Rodrigos discussion with Craig about Paige and Craigs relationship status.
(Could you imagine how bad he would be at dressing a female?)
They can be a little bit like a gay clown.
They see his relationship with Tyler as just as valid as any of their other relationships.
Also, his arms look amazing in a T-shirt, so theres also that.
While the boys are fishing, Oliva goes to Taylors lake house and tent revival to discuss their friendship.
Oh my god, they are so Jesusy, and yes, I took the lords name in vain.
(And I grew up Catholic, so there was plenty up in my face.)
Then, when Olivia compliments the beauty of the lake, she immediately says, Its Gods creation.
I mean, does everything have to be about God?
The conversation between the two women does not go well.
I am with Taylor.
She thinks that Taylor definitely had sex with him.
I dont know where I fall on this.
I dont think they did, but why would I believe that?
Because theyre telling us they didnt?
Olivias point is that she cant trust Taylor anymore, even for her to tell the truth about that.
Olivia decides to leave Taylors, but instead of driving home, she crashes at the boys house.
Its too bad for her.
Taylor is already on her way over for dinner.
What a great way to spend a weekend, she says.
Go hang out in the woods with your questionable best friend and your questionable ex.
Dude, her brother died about three days ago.
Give her a month or something before you give a shot to define the relationship.
If they see the hats, they know that person is ready for the alien rapture.
Sorry, space people rapture.
But this is the most adorable Ive ever found Craig.
Its like hes being serious but also knows that hes totally stupid.
Its a great brand for Craig.
He should make a tin foil hat pillow.
(Thats not fair, Shep is actually quite smart, but the joke was sitting right there.)
God, I hate that.
Ugh, you are not a bear; you are a human, so learn to act like one.
He asks Taylor, Do you like poking the bear?
She replies, Did you like cheating on me?
Thats the thing: Taylor knows she has a forever trump card when fighting with Shep.
Then Shep says, I mean, sometimes it was fun.
Taylor has the only sane reaction: She throws her drink on Shep and goes into the house.
Shep comes in and tells her, You know how I am.
You shouldnt poke the bear.
Yeah, she knows how you are, which is why she is no longer with you.
You cant drink milk out of the jug with the fridge door open forever.
The next morning, Olivia lets Little Craig into Sheps room and sees Taylor lying in the bed.
They say they only shared the bed so that they could both cuddle with Little Craig.
Well, then, why wasnt he in the room when they were in there passed out?
Do we think Taylor slept with Shep?
Do we think Taylor slept with Austen?
Do you think that Rodrigo slept with JT?
Do we think Craig slept with Austen?
Do we think that Jesus slept with all the hills and dales in South Carolina?
Do we think the lake is his tears for the brokenhearted?
Do we think that he will heal all the wounds?
With this group of guys, Im sorry, but the answer is no.
