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Horror-cinema history is dotted with scary dolls.
The clown fromPoltergeistput a generation off of those circus entertainers years before Pennywise appeared onscreen.
But those are the total-terror dolls.
What about the ones like our new gay icon M3gan?
Start looking on the bright side.
Not all doll best friends are created equal!
10.Fats,Magic(1978)
10.
Anthony Hopkinss antagonistic ventriloquist dummy from 1978sMagicis the least qualified to be your best friend.
Fats is a crass, manipulative asshole who will prey on you in your weakest moments.
But the fact is that Fats needs you infinitely more than you need him.
Love yourself, and dont pick up the phone if Fats comes calling.
Otherwise, you could jeopardize your life, and the life of sad dream girl Ann-Margret.
Dont be responsible for hurting Ann-Margret!
9.Annabelle,The ConjuringUniverse
9.
Annabelles quiet nature makes her hard to access and often cold.
Annabelle drifts from friend to friend, never really setting roots down anywhere.
8.Billy,SawFranchise
8.
The thing about Billy is he clearly cares about people.
Billy would be a shoulder to cry on in the hardest of times.
Theresnothingtoo scary, sad, or completely fucked up to share with him.
Billy doesnt really do casual friendships.
7.Brahms,The Boy(2016)
7.
Brahms is vulnerable and sensitive.
Brahms wants to care about you.
But just because someone cares about youa lotdoesnt mean they care about you the right way.
Remember, the most love isnt always the best love for you, and thats okay.
Its like, are you a person or are you his property?
Dont be taken in by those sad eyes, ladies.
6.Chucky,Childs PlayFranchise
6.
Chucky is a tough one.
Aside from the murdering, Chucky is an undeniable blast.
He failed hard, but he tried hard too.
However, you cant just turn a blind eye to his emotionally abusive relationship with Tiffany.
It doesnt just matter that you have fun with Chucky.
It matters how he treats others around him.
Chucky is your good-time friend, but hes probably not well suited to be your friend till the end.
And ultimately, his own self-interest will always trump your feelings, priorities, and safety.
5.Punch,Dolls(1986)
5.
Punch is the punch in of friend that if youre in with him, youre in for life.
That sort of wagon-circling approach can be a little intense, though!
Maybe everything isnt life and death.
4.Tiffany,Childs PlayFranchise
4.
Tiffany isthis closeto being great best-friend material.
Youd be unstable too!
But thats no excuse for hurting people.
Just dont make her ups and downs your responsibility.
3.Syds Spider Doll,Toy Story(1995)
3.
2.M3gan,M3gan(2022)
2.
M3gan is the apex of intentionally designed best-friendery.
M3gan is Talky Tina turned up to 1000.
She is the AI-enhanced progression of all scary movie dolls that have come before her.
Her brain is the internet, so she is infinitely smart.
She is programmed to care only for you, her primary user.
Shes fashionable and a good dancer.
She can even write and sing very good original songs extemporaneously.
As a computer-based mind, her outputs are largely determined by her inputs.
1.Glen/Glenda,Childs PlayFranchise
1.
Glen/Glenda is the doll we can give the strongest recommendation to with the smallest amount of hedging.
Yes, they are absolutely capable of killing.
Lets look those facts right in the eye.
But Glen/Glenda is still the most emotionally nuanced and good-natured of all the potential best friends on this list.
And hey, you cant just be friends withpartof a person.
You have to acceptall of themfor a relationship to work.
Glen/Glenda would accept you, so why not try the same for them?
Glen/Glenda would make you a cup of tea when youve had a hard time.
Theyd ask about your day and really listen to the answer.
So dont be fooled into thinking you might walk all over the doll with the soft voice.
Wed all be lucky to have a little more Glen/Glenda in our lives.
