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And you know what?
They absolutely stuck that landing.
And yes, the shows final two episodes were bizarre in ways onlyRiverdalecould be.
Like, the show entered supernatural territory a long while back.
This is where we find the characters in the shows final season.
Tabithas imperative a literal cultural reset!
This means these characters are openly gay in the 50s.
Theyre in interracial relationships in the 50s.
Theyre sex-positive in the 50s.
They fight the Hays Code.
They snuff out Russian spies.
They march for Emmett Till.
Which brings us to the second-to-last episode, hilariously, presumptuously, titled, The Golden Age of Television.
Its … the first episode ofRiverdale.
I was a boxer, prisoner, football player.
I was a soldier, says Archie.
My sister was murdered and then came back to life.
Poor Julian Blossom, who on the otherRiverdalewas eaten in the womb, cant even bring himself to watch.
Alice is a stewardess who does aSullystyle rescue and becomes a pilot.
Fangs (Drew Ray Tanner) dies in a tour-bus crash weeks after leaving town.
Veronica becomes a studio exec, wins two Oscars, and is buried in Hollywood Forever cemetery.
Archie moves out West, starts a family, and becomes a construction worker.
Reggie joins the Lakers and has two jock sons.
Kevin and Clay move to New York City where Clay becomes a professor and Kevin writes musicals.
They live into their 80s.
Betty is basically a mix of Helen Gurley Brown and Gloria Steinem.
Jughead founds their universes version ofMAD Magazine, Madhouse.
Cheryl and Toni are artists and activists and have a son named Dale, named after Riverdale of course.
They both pass away peacefully, after living full, gorgeous, sexy lives.
This includes plenty of Betty and Veronica hookups, more often than youd imagine.
Just like the whole season, the finale quad reveal puts fan service and fun above all else.
Cut to the afterlife, which this show has always had the annoying habit of calling The Sweet Hereafter.
Until then, have a good night.
We hear the familiar typewriter noise.
But its so very Jughead, and its so very Roberto.
A beanie-doff to the most TV show TV show to ever TV show.
