Perfect Match
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I feel like Im reporting from a reality-TV warzone.
Whether they want to find their soul mate or not, they present like theyre genuinely looking for love.
Seeing how they function compared to the contestants from competition-based shows is almost appalling.
Take Francesca, for example.
With her, its all strategy.
She grills Damian right away: If she leaves Dom for him, would he be loyal?
Onto Ines and Bartise.
Bartise is the biggest boy (and clown) in the book.
He is so dumb its unbelievable.
Chase gets a glimpse of Bartise and (rightfully) cant be more offended.
He tells Dom never to disrespect him again.
This is perhaps Chases only redeeming moment, though.
It turns you on to see her struggle?
This is also false!
Georgia puts Chase in his place, and I love her for it.
Thats just plain rude.
Then Georgia amps it up and goes into full interrogation mode.
She asks a series of rapid-fire questions: Are you single?
Are you living with someone?
Did youjustgo to Hawaii with someone?
He has explanations for everything and blames Francesca for opening this can of worms in the house.
And then … THEN!
Then Chase has the audacity to give Georgia a gift to smooth things over, and the gift?
The gift is a rock a literal stone.
Surely the producers could have scrounged up something better.
Ines is accurate when she tells Chase hes like a baby in a big mans body.
Georgia is done with this crap; Ill tell you that!
And Francesca is officially done with Dom!
This girl is an absolute menace.
When she finally breaks things off, Dom says that he loves her.
Dude, get a grip.
She opts for Shayne, and Im not too proud to admit Id make the same choice.
Our first round of matches:
This means yes, Chase goes home, and he takes it hard.
The only contestant who has an accurate read on Francesca.
We all think this is the first step.
It turns out this is just the challenge!
Joey and Kariselle win.
They remind me so much of Jon Favreau and Katy Mixon inFour Christmases(complimentary).
I can already tell Colony is too mature for Dom; this match will be a dud.
Chloe and Shayne, on the other hand … perhaps Joey and Kariselle are onto something!
Joey also asks Kariselle to be his girlfriend!
As expected, Chloe and Shayne get on like a house on fire.
Their energy is unparalleled and unmatched, and maybe just perfect for each other.
Shayne claims he hasnt even texted with anyone sinceLove Is Blind.
I dont believe him, but I believe him.
Also, as expected, Dom and Colony fizzle out.
She wants someone to match her boss energy.
When Dom says hes happy to be a house husband, she laughs in his face.
Back at the house, Dom introduces her to the other guys.
She gets to talking with Bartise, who says hes not ready for marriage and kids.
Colony and I have the same question: Then why were you onLove Is Blind?
A show that famously ends in marriage?
Bartise is getting too cocky.
Bartise, c’mon be serious for 60 seconds.
Thats all I ask.
Why would anyone be nervous about meeting you?
Kariselle is not pleased and reminds Bartise that hes only there because she handpicked him for Colony.
What is she doing here?!
While all this is happening, Dom tells Georgia this is the happiest hes been in a long time.
I have to laugh!
You were in love with Francesca yesterday?
But Im rooting for Dom over Francesca, so sure.
Francesca is pissed over this little development.
Kariselle says Dom is being nasty for hooking up with Georgia.
Is everyone suffering from amnesia?
Francesca kicked Doms ass to the curb?
Hes allowed to move on!
Also, he and Georgia are making out in a discreet corner.
Losing Izzy is tough.
The next challenge looks like something out of a poor mansSurvivor.
Ines informs Bartise that shes not squeezing his dick.
Francesca and Damian win for completely different reasons.
To score some one-on-one time with Francesca.
Putting Georgia on a date to split up her and Dom.
Francescas energy is so dark-sided.
This comes out in the boardroom as well.
First of all, why are Zay and Nick back?
We dont need them.
Francesca says that she wants to bring Will in because Dom doesnt like him.
Damian points out that theyre not trying to set up Will and Dom.
Poor, sweet, naive Damian.
They end up matching Chloe and Mitchell, who are exes with unresolved business, and Ines and Will.
How did Chloe last eight months with this man?
Anyway, the exes make out.
Chloe has a decision to make.
She grills Mitchell, who explicitly says he doesnt do well with commitment.
But youre onPerfect Match, Chloe says.
At least onThe Bachelor, they pretend theyre there for the right reasons!
She believes Mitchell and matches with him, dumping Shayne in the process.
This is a big mistake.
Ines and Wills date is good, but more important: Ines finally dumps Bartises ass.
I am rolling on the floor in absolute hysterics.
Shes like,We dont have a romantic connection?Done.
FFADSJLKFKASJAFSKJASFLKDLKASDJLFAJLKF#WJ@LKWLK.
hey BE SERIOUS FOR ONE SECOND.
I pray Bartise never returns, but the devil works hard.
The next challenge is called Cute vs. Cringey.
The individual cast members respond to hypothetical scenarios with a judgment: Is it cute or is it cringey?
If couples answers match, they are safe.
If they disagree, theyre one step closer to being eliminated.
He jumps headfirst into the man-made elimination pool, which seems to be about three feet deep.
Dom says Mitch could have died a virgin, and readers, I laughed.
Ines and Will win, but their date is a flop.
In the boardroom, Will is a total dick and ignores all of Iness insights regarding matchmaking.
Also, has anyone ever heard ofTwentysomethings?
Diamond appreciates his honesty, and the two head back to the house.
Francescas date with Abbey prompts Kariselle to talk about her sexuality with Joey, who couldnt care less.
Joey says its 2022 and people need to take their heads out of their asses.
This is the Joey we know and love!
This is a real struggle!
I feel for Kariselle.
Abbey and Francesca get back to the house, and theyre smitten.
Diamond warns Damian that Abbey is wild, which I dont believe.
Big talk for a virgin!
I just feel for poor, poor Damian.
Damian is like,you could just ask me to leave, you know?
Kariselle is simultaneously encouraging Ines to go for Dom.
Kariselle and Francesca are such messy bitches.
They live for the drama and live for stirring the pot.
I learn a lot from the next challenge.
Is he not aware that this show is calledPerfect Match?
Its not fun to watch when then fuck boys admit to being fuck boys.
Go on a different show!
I want the delusion and fantasy of soul mates seeking each other out!
I want commitment or at least the illusion of it.
And who wouldnt be?
She ditched Shayne for Mitchell, and for what?
Chloe prays that Shayne is on the board and that if he is, hell give her another shot.
Im not sure what Netflixs rules are, but Francesca doesnt end up with anyone from the show.
Shesseemingly engaged(or about to be) to Jesse Sullivan of TikTok fame.
I also found Ines doing aneye makeup tutorialfor anyone interested.
