Love Is Blind
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Somewhere in the darkened streets of Houston, Texas, a villainous force stalks the streets.
True horrors and chaos erupt in its wake.
The denizens of the city cower in fear!
they shout from inside their homes as they peer out their windows.
Old women hiss as the evil force passes by: Fiendish!
Gather behind me, dear children, as I name this unspeakable nightmare: TheLove Is Blindseason five cast.
Oh no, theyre coming toward us!
What in the ever-loving Christ happened this season?
Ive never seen a collection of people Ive ever wanted to root for less.
Is there a single relationship that makes sense?
But they did have to attend the worst reunion party in the history of parties.
Lets get into it.
UCHE!!!!!
Get out of here!
Uches internal computing and emotion suppression system is on the absolute fritz as he deals with Aaliyahs departure.
He sits down with production and says he cant accept this without talking to Aaliyah.
I dont know what there is to accept, my dude.
Shes just gone???
Production gets someone named Marco to call Aaliyah on the phone so Uche can call her on camera.
Aaliyah answers the call and tells him thatsomethingLydia said changed her mind.
If North Americas thirstiest woman doesnt want your man, hes junk.
But of course, Uche wants to know why she would let some girl get in between them!
How could she not talk to him?!
Aaliyah says that she still loves him, but shes in a very stressful environment.
Its time for Lydia and Milton to meet each other.
Lydia says it will be the epiphany of happiness.
I want that for her.
(She means epitome.)
Milton says hes going to get Lydia some flashcards so she can learn English.
Milton does not speak Spanish.
Theres a lot coming, and we need to make some judgment calls about what goes in this recap.
Im making a judgment call right now.
The Mexico trip belongs to JP and Taylor because they have the most dramatic Mexico trip.
We do not have the time to devote to whatever is happening there!
Shes surprised he has emotions?
What am I doing?
Theres no time!)
JP answers in monosyllables.
JP says over and over that hes going to try.
Try how, sir!?
you oughta think of something quick because Taylor is basically crying every day.
Hes wearing an American-flag polo shirt.
He starts dropping hints that he likes her freckles.
JP thought Taylor was fake during the reveal because she had on makeup and fake eyelashes.
Are you fucking kidding me?
There are still men in the year Twenty Twenty-Three that get weirded out when women wear makeup?
Its a reflection that they want their eyes to look like big black butterflies.
Taylor makes the great point that JP didnt know what she looked like before the reveal.
She could have been wearing makeup every single time they talked in the pods!
JP says, Im gonna have to deal with this.
You putting on a fake face.
He doesnt understand that this is a truly bizarre thing to say.
Maybe the guy in the American-flag boxer shorts might have some regressive views about things after all.
Taylor says she needs some space and leaves their room… but not before taking her entire toiletry case.
She gives him the ring back.One down, two to go.
For Milton and Lydia, thats Miltons schedule of working nights and sitting on kitchen counters.
For Stacy and Izzy, thats a detailed accounting of their finances and home renovation projects.
Umm … is Stacy rich?
And her family is rich, too?
Maam, if youre married, its all your money?
After a few years of marriage, who cares if its your card or his?
She also thinks her boyfriends and other people are trying to take advantage of what her dad has.
I assure you, no one is trying to date you to get at your dads money.
That would require them to be around you.
Oh sorry, did I reveal too much?
Like the fact that I cannot stand Stacy?
Shes getting on my last nerve, and we havent even gotten to the reunion party yet.
But before we get there, Aaliyah and Uche have agreed to meet against all good advice.
Uche wants to take the opportunity to paint Lydia as an absolutely crazy person.
Listen, do I think Lydia is a bit much?
Do I think shed probably be hard to date?
She would only think that if youbad mouth women,Uche.
He tells her how Lydia would look at his friends Instagram stories.
(Maybe Im an outlier, but Im not monitoring who is looking at my Instagram stories.
I dont care who is seeing these cancer patient memes.
I am, however, studying who emoji-reacts to my posts on Slack.)
He opens a manilla folder labeled EVIDENCE and shows Aaliyah the screenshots.
Lydia also drove by his house and sent him a text that said, I see you.
If everyone has moved on, who cares who Lydia gets engaged to?
Aaliyah says, Maybe yall should have gone onThe Ultimatuminstead.
Get him, girl.
This plants a seed in Uches head that will tear him apart.
ONE HUNDO PERCENT, BABY.
Stacy is right to freak out about that.
Its also TACKY AS HELL to keep a little dish of leftover earrings and bobby pins from one-night stands.
He doesnt have a good argument for why he didnt think to toss that stuff at any point.
He says that the plate thing is materialistic on Stacys part.
Its not materialistic; its basic human living standards.
Its 15 days until the weddings, and its time to meet the families.
Izzy heads out to meet Stacys family and good God these people.
This was like some comedy of manners.
Her familys eyes bug out when its revealed that Izzy doesnt know that Nice is in France!
And that he never had a passport before!
And hes never been to New York!
He mixed up the Cabernet Franc with Cabernet Sauvignon!
Her dad says if you dont step up, that responsibility falls to me.
I cannot and do not want to understand these family dynamics.
Time for the worst party in America.
Izzy and Stacy decide that their goal at this party is to psychologically destroy Johnie.
Johnie is dating Chris and seems happy!
Why couldnt they leave her alone!?!
Izzy just keeps saying that shes sketchy as fuck.
Johnie basically runs off crying, and Izzy gloats to Stacy that he called her on her shit!
This is truly bizarre.
This whole thing just makes you look rude as hell, and honestly, a little paranoid.
The two of you are engaged!
Johnie is with Chris!
Did you just want to make her cry?
Is this some psychosexual game to humiliate your former pod mate?
This is what makes me not want to root for themat all.And youre not defending your friend, Izzy.
You did that for you.
Uche has prepared his opening statement.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Lydia is a psycho-bitch.
Does this man speak in anything besides monologues?!??!
You dont get credit for that.
AND THERE IT IS.
WHAT WEVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!
Then hes going to take Milton aside?
And talk to him about all this?!?!?
Spare Pod Goss
For some reason, Lydias mom being named Lydia Sr. feels right.
JP and Taylor trying to have hot coffee in those damn gold stemless goblets is preposterous.
c’mon get this woman around someone who speaks her language.
