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The all-consuming media circus ofScandovalhas been great forVanderpump Rules.
But what of the restaurants?
Pump, the literal cornerstone of Lisa Vanderpumps West Hollywood empire, may shut down soon.
According toEater, the restaurant is having trouble securing a new lease and briefly lost its liquor license.
And whatever is to become of Pump?
These were questions only an embedded reporter could answer.
I then went to Schwartz and Sandys the nightepisode tendropped and ran into Schwartz himself.
The following is an account of what I witnessed.
Arriving at the West Hollywood institution, youd never know the place was in real-estate limbo.
Its packed with a line seven deep at the host stand.
(Sometimes I think about dusting Pump and go into a full panic attack.)
And adorning one wall is a portrait of Lisa herself done somewhere between Warhol and Nagel in style.
Still, it is a pleasant environment, everything harmonizing in either pink or driftwood beige.
We chat up a server whos wearing the skinniest jeans Ive ever seen in real life.
I ask him how business has been since the Scandoval broke.
Honestly, its been better, he says.
Tom Tom had a little dip, but its back now.
The only thing is we still dont know about the lease.
He says Tom Tom negotiated a new lease for its space, but Pump remains up in the air.
Eerily similar in concept to the Selenatini at Holiday Bar in New York, ifGrub Streetis to be believed.
Standing at the bar, I get a big ol whiff of decay from the garnish well.
Two women areReal Housewives of Beverly Hillsfans (Dorit is their fave).
Neither had seenVanderpump Rules,nor were they particularly upset that LVP was offHousewives.
This would be a recurring theme in my reportage.
Im second on line at the host stand now.
Weve been waiting for ten minutes, the woman says.
Im so sorry to hear that, the host replies.
I think we deserve a drink or something, the woman says.
Weve been waiting for 20 minutes.
Spotted: Max, Lisas son who used to bus at SUR but seems to be a manager now.
And Tom Tom is, I guess, where you take the gay clock fromBeauty and the Beast?
It is a steampunk wet dream in Tom Tom.
Were not on the clock side of the bar, however.
A post shared by Tom Tom Restaurant & Bar (@tomtom)
Tom Tom is packed.
In the bathroom, I meet another pair of friends consisting of one out-of-towner and one local.
I wish her a pleasant visit.
While peeing, I overhear them talking about completing a scavenger hunt by sneaking into the mens bathroom.
The LVP complex is a true adult Disneyland.
The spicy cauliflower is as good as the hosts ofSexy Unique Podcastsay it is.
I DO NOT LIKE HOW MUCH THE SERVER IS TOUCHING MY HUSBAND, I write in my notes.
Then slack my editor.
I wonder if its something about the space.
The toxic heterosexual reality-TV energy is seeping into my pores.
Spotted: Max, again.
Logan Noh, James Kennedys ex-BFF.
SUR
Were seated at SUR by Diana, whom Kristen Doute once told to suck a dick.
Were led to the back garden, near whereTom punched Jaxin the face in season two.
We are next to a big imported antique door and a multiarmed statue of a Hindu god.
SUR is the theme-parkiest of her restaurants.
But not a fancy theme-park restaurant like Carthay Circle at Disney California Adventure.
SUR is also theme-park-y because there are a surprising number of kids here.
Its 10 p.m. and children are running around by the bathrooms where Jax once fucked Laura Leigh.
There is a family next to us who is celebrating Passover with SURs special Passover menu.
The next morning, the restaurant will be serving Easter brunch, sexily and uniquely.
Of the three properties we visit, SUR is the only one not completely packed.
Maybe its because SUR is more of a dinner spot and were here pretty late.
Maybe its because SUR is the only one not on the main drag of Santa Monica Boulevard.
Or maybe its because SUR is the least pleasant.
(Pro tip: Scotch is the way to go at SUR the ten-year Laphroaig is underpriced.
)Vanderpump Rulesreruns play on a TV, while Peter serves shots to a group.
A girl goes, Woo!
as a second Rihanna song plays.
If nothing else, Jocey says, SUR is a place to go, Woo!
Spotted: Guillermo Zapata, SUR co-owner.
Schwartz & Sandys
I visit Schwartz & Sandys solo the following Wednesday episode-ten premiere night.
I work until 11 p.m., so I have only one hour to observe and report.
And who do I see the second I get there?
He is palling around with different parties at the bar.
Schwartz & Sandys isnt in the WeHo nexus with all the other bars.
Its in a Franklin Village strip mall on the same block as Upright Citizens Brigade and a dog groomer.
Its not a big foot-traffic area, especially this late on a Wednesday night.
But the bartender Kate shows me her spike of drink orders, and its about four inches of receipts.
She calls it a good stack for a Wednesday.
Schwartz & Sandys is the least decorated of all the Vanderbars.
(I dont hyperventilate at the thought of dusting it.)
The theme is tiki adjacent or jungalow.
Lots of botanical prints.
I grab the one seat left at the bar and order a Thai Tea Manhattan.
It is way better than the variation on an Old Fashioned I had at Tom Tom.
Subtle, balanced, with the earthy sweetness of a Thai ice tea.
One is even in the service industry, a bartender.
Schwartz & Sandys is the second spot on what they call their wild Wednesday.
First, dinner atFound Oyster, a seafood place that doesnt take reservations.
Then over to Jumbos Clown Room for a strippers birthday.
For non-Angelenos, Jumbos is something between a dive bar and a strip club.
Courtney Love used to work there.
The dancers pick their own music, and its more about showmanship and vibes than nudity.
When I go to Jumbos, its not about the boobs!
a man sitting at the bar yells.
Its about a good time!
In true bartender fashion, the woman next to me ordersshots of Fernet.
But the bar is low on Fernet, indicating that Schwartz & Sandys has a sizable industry crowd.
The place does haveMalort, Fernets upsetting cousin from Chicago.
Its apparently a favorite of Schwartzs.
My new bartender pal is from Chicago, so she and Schwartz bond over this horrendous brew.
Ive always wanted to visit Chicago, he says.
He gives the girls a farewell shot of Malort before theyre off to Jumbos.
Then we do shots of Malort, and I get a commemorative shot glass to boot.
Schwartz and I chat, and wow.
His charm is overwhelming in person, just radiating puppy energy.
He recommends Birds, a rotisserie-chicken place on the same block.
I recommend Lilys Bar, which is further down Franklin.
The music is off and the lights are on, and everyone is calling Ubers.
Tom asks as we part.
Ill be back Friday for a birthday party.
