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(Im pretty good at reading a room, Mulaney tells the audience.
Youre allveryimpressed by this plan.)
There are two women behind the desk, one man on the sales floor, and zero customers.
I head to the desk and explain what Im after.
Neither of them has heard of John Mulaney.
Friends with Pete Davidson?
I offer to blank stares.
I say its less of a corporate thing and more of a this-specific-store thing.
She says shes getting the manager.
While I wait, a customer comes in.
I never would have thought that Rolex stores have regulars, but hes greeted like one.
Quarter-zip says Hi again!
The customer and I are apparently on the same page.
I did like the rose-gold one.
I wish it had all the dials, he tells the male salesperson.
Hes pink-faced and deadly serious.
Thank you, I say, and ask for his name.
He tells me I cant use it and that everything is off the record.
No, its fine to tell people they can find watches on the website, he says.
Its not rose gold, but it has lotsof dials, and Im happy for him.
Mister Manager is giving me the stink eye through the glass.
The best I could find was one called Sell Your Watch.
The address fit the description: 47th Street in the Diamond District, on the second floor.
Also, Mulaneys got really long legsandhe was addicted to coke.
Actually, he might have made it there in four.)
At the first stall I walk past, a man named Boris asks if Im looking for anything.
I tell him the story.
He laughs at the idea that this schlemielwould sell the watch at a loss.
Today, for a new Rolex, he says, it would be a 30 to 40 percent markup.
I hand over my phone, and he starts laughing and nodding as he watches.
Someone in this town gets me!
I ask Tony what he thinks of Mulaneys stand-up.
Its nice, its funny, he says.
He just stretches out the jokes too long, in my opinion.
But theres a lot of truth in it.
For as weird as Mulaney thought he must have looked with his same-day watch, Tony says it happens.
They come from Rolex and they sell the same day, but they usually get more.
Tony concedes that during the pandemic, Mulaney would have sold at a loss.
Now, its the opposite.
Now, you would buy it at six and you would sell it for 12.
This mathematicallymakes Mulaneys joke even better.
you’ve got the option to tell by the way a persons dressed, their demeanor.
Therell be guys like, Oh, I have this reference number, 65-blah-blah-blah.
You know he knows what hes talking about.
Or theyll be like, I have this watch, I dont know what its worth.
You already know,Okay, theres money there.
But if a guys like, Theyre selling for 12,000.
Im looking for 11,you already know youre not gonna make a deal.
I circle back to Tony and Rebeccas knowing smiles from earlier.
Was it because they know the guy Mulaneys talking about?
Its possible, Tony says, sort of laughing.
Thats when his friend, wearing a Yankees cap and a huge diamond earring, pops his head in.
Tony waves him in, points at my phone, and says, Theyre talking about Yuval.
I catch Yankees Cap Guy up on the gist of the story.
Yeah, he has really good Google.
Hes the top result if you google sell my watch, Yankees Cap Guy says.
He warns me, Hes not gonna wanna talk.
He wont talk, Tony agrees.
I ask if its even worth it.
I mean, you could try?
This has to be the guy.
I begin with the spiel.
He cuts me off: You have anything to sell?
I linger for a few seconds before getting up from the chair.
Three years later, still not suffering fools.
But unlike Mr. Rolex, I respect the guy.
I wind my way to the exit, walking past a minyan of older men praying in the mezzanine.
Rolex, he says, but not rose gold.
In other words, mushing metals.
