Maria Bamfords eulogy for her beloved best friend.
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Her comedy tries to understand the harsh, cruel, or arbitrary ways in which others behave.
I took quizzes online to see what breed would be good for my personality (and vice versa).
According to my need for affection and low energy level, the pug was perfect.
A dirty old pug came barreling up to me, sitting right in my lap.
The guy said she was two and that he wanted three hundred dollars for her.
Her name was Chula, but I named her Blossom, afterThe Powerpuff Girls.
After bringing her home, hilariously, I wasnt sure if I could handle it.
She didnt seem to mind, and I felt very comforted by it.
We went everywhere together.
I began traveling with her in a roller bag.
I was not a perfect parent to Blossom.
Though I made sure she got Greenies dental chews, Blossom got dry food.
I paid for her to have eight rotted teeth removed; I got her hernia fixed.
Glad to have you!)
Blossom attended despite the fact she was Roman Catholic.
The postshow after-party was held outside in a courtyard, where we both got plenty of sugary cookie crumbs.
Blossoms greatest gift was a radical acceptance.
She was the epitome of a Good Girl.
I had never had anyone take that kind of proud ownership of me.
So when I think of a God, I think of her.
Blossom the Awesome Pug embodied Lovingkindness.
Her bulbous brown eyes never wavered.
She had a real and present interest in everything that I did just like a God is supposed to.
We slept face-to-face, her breathing my breath, me breathing hers.Best Pals Forevz.
I was a bad person.
And yet, she just scooted closer and leaned in.
Both of them were doing fine.
My brain was slipping.
And one day, I let Blossom down.
I kicked the ramp away from inside the house and rushed to my Very Important Voice-Over Audition.
She died of her injuries in the hour and a half I was away.
I found her stiff and lifeless body at the foot of where she fell from the doggie doorway.
Of course, it was an accident.
Of course I didnt mean to kill God.
As anyone who experiences a tragedy (which is everyone) knows, LIFE JUST KEEPS GOING.
In this showbiz enviro, I got treated like a superstar despite being the Worst Person of All Time.
Excerpted fromSure, Ill Join Your Cultby Maria Bamford.
Copyright 2023 by Bamfooco, Inc.
