Bachelor In Paradise
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This is all wrong.
Im worried about the migration patterns of the elusive influencer and insurance-rep-slash-aspiring-influencer.
Is there anything we can do to restore the natural order?
A telethon?Gal Gadot does the Imagine thing again?
yo, Im desperate!
Im writing this recap while wearing a jean jacket and sipping ahotchai latte!
I am only this passionate because I care deeply about this ridiculous show.
We get a new intro of the cast dancing to theFlashdancetheme.
Was it a particularly overcast day that they didnt have time to reshoot?
Was it too expensive to recolor the sky?
Is that just what Playa Escondida looks like when its deserted?
Its not a particularly welcoming vibe, but perhaps thats more appropriate for whats to come.
Now its time to (re)meet the contestants!
First up we all knew it was coming Rachel Recchia is here looking wistfully at a rose.
I thought she was just sad about her final rose recipient cheating on her.
Loyal readers know how I feel aboutformer show leads returning anti!
so I wont go into my rant right now.
Just know that whenever I talk about Rachel I think, She shouldnt even be here!!!!
Next, we see Brayden shopping for statement jewelry and doing yoga.
He promises he didnt like how he came across during Charitys season, but hes grown.
Now its time to re-introduce Kylee, whos most notable for beingsent home over Zoomwhen Zach Shallcross got COVID.
But Kylee lets us know that she only has eyes for Aven, who has been liking her selfies.
Oh, you sweet summer child.
Dont you know that naive vulnerability will be weaponized against you in the name of good television?
Im glad she told us this, though.
I love Blake and have a big shark phobia, so this segment was tough for me.
Rachel is the first to arrive, her face looking a little smoother than the last we saw her.
But no, Jesse says shes thesecondBachelorette to return to the beach looking for love.
Theres nothing historic about being the second person to do something.
Just ask Buzz Aldrin.
She is so shocked its charming.
This girl does not have a cynical bone in her body, shes so credulous and sweet.
Also, she calls Jesse Jess, which is adorable.
(Granted, I was seven months pregnant, but still.)
Oh, baby, now we got a stew going.
Both Aaron and Will are interested in Kylee, who is still talking about Aven.
For one thing, at least have the courage of your convictions and keep it going the whole time.
But, really, complaining about vibe is so boomer-coded.
Its like in 2009 when snobs complained about people saying like.
Language is a tool that evolves and gatekeeping it is so not the vibe!
I have never related to Jesse more.
This woman dont got that dog in her, I fear.
Now we must talk about Olivia, who does the most without an intro or even a Jesse greeting.
Will notices her right away and takes her down to a palapa, the designatedBiPflirting zone.
For as far as they take this bit, it is absolutely unforgivable that he doesnt suck her toes.
He just kisses her instead.
Its so weak, and considering how much trouble it gets him in later, its not worth it!
Finally, Jess shows up, sans glitter but with a chic new lob.
Then here comes Blake, other options personified.
Then he drops the bomb that the men are handing out roses this week.
Cat doesnt want to go home!
Its Hot Girl Summer!
(Which was2019, but whatever).
Everyone separates by gender to debrief, where Olivia reveals that she and Will have kissed already.
She pouts to everyone about it, including Will, but is immediately faced with a decision.
Yeah,obviously, Kylee gets the first date card.
After deliberating, Kylee decides Will is still her best option and asks him on the date.
This sends Olivia into scorched earth mode, livid that Will would date Kylee after macking on her.
I, for one, am thrilled that macking is making a comeback.
I love a goofy euphemism for kissing!
They discuss Will kissing Olivia, and Kylee says she doesnt want to step on any toes.
I dont think she was privy to the toe-sucking conversation, so this is an extremely serendipitous unintentional pun.
Cut to Olivia telling all of Playa Escondida that she wont be sloppy seconds.
Elsewhere on the beach, Brayden asks for a Wells pep talk because he was into Kylee.
Brayden immediately takes this to heart and starts flirting with Kat.
These two, actually, are a pretty good match.
Thats a lot of smooching for night one!
The next morning, everything is relatively calm.
Will does precisely this, asking multiple times how shes feeling.
I think theyre both a little bit right here.
I think the disconnect here is in what pairing off means.
To Olivia, it is kissing, and to Will, it isnt.
I am inclined to side with Will on this one this is the horny beach!
but I dont think Olivia is wrong to be hurt.
And Olivia is very upset.
This is coming from a place of spite, but shes probably not wrong!
Well find out next week, though, because ofcourseAven is going to come down those steps ASAP.
Cue Olivia cackling wildly.
