Bachelor In Paradise
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
This finale wasthree fuckinghourslong.
And that was even without an After the Final Rose segment!
It would be one thing if anything remotely interesting happened over the course of this entire prime-time block.
But the format ofBiPhas gotten so prescriptive that it feels like recapping this episode in detail is unnecessary.
The couples you think will get engaged get engaged.
The couples who were coasting broke up.
Thats honestly the biggest problem I have with the current iteration ofBachelor in Paradise.
It makes sense thatThe Bachelor(ette)(almost) always ends with a proposal.
Those shows are presented as fairy-tale romances.BiPis just a fun romp at the beach!
Then it became a built-in requirement to fully participate in the show, and thats just a bummer.
It means the finale forces conversations that would be more interesting to see come about organically.
See, for example, Jesss decision to leave.
I was very intrigued by the conversation Mercedes and Jess were having about trying to salvage their hot-girl summer.
Has a sadder thing ever been said on this television program?
Its so relatable, though, and so very 24-year-old.
Not, I dont wanna talk right now, not Leave me alone, bitch!
How much more compelling would it be to watch this last-day-of-camp dynamic play out for the remainder ofParadise?
Before Jesses ultimatum, though, a number of pointless things happen.
Our couples who will inevitably get engaged are awarded date cards.
Theyre about to go on Fantasy Suites!
Its so redundant that we dont even see Kat and John Henrys Fantasy Suite date!
John Henry talks about noticing how much she cares about her friends.
I think these kids can make it work!
Our other soon-to-be-engaged couple, Aaron and Eliza, get the dreaded sweat-lodge date.
We learn nothing new about their relationship.
Notably, Kylee and Aven arewithouta date card.
I believe they are both rightandwrong here.
Theyre honestly both putting too much weight on what it means to get engaged onBachelor in Paradise.
He doesnt even have to buy the ring!
An engagement isnt legally binding, especially when its the prize at the end of a TV show.
But the show still insists that getting engaged onscreen is the only happy ending.
We dont need it!
I will say I do like this new tradition of a big finale party.
Last year it was prom themed, which was more fun.
But its also a reception for Kenny and Maris wedding?
Hopefully, next year theyll go back to prom.
The next morning, Jesse drops the hammer.
This is what I mean about the whole framing being so artificial.
Its kind of like a game of chicken with production.
They just have to say theyre considering getting engaged; that means nothing!
I am very interested in what the conversations with producers are like.
I wonder how they convince people to stay (or not!).
I have to imagine it wasnt just Kylee trying to convince Aven that he should get engaged on TV.
But he doesnt budge, and Kylee decides she would rather leave with him than break up.
So that just leaves two couples heading to the Fantasy Suites.
This format also means the last hour of the show isboring.
we just dont buy it.
Its a foregone conclusion when both couples get engaged.
Now, Ive been very hard on this episode, but Ill end on a positive.
This does everything that the hour-plus-long AtFR does in the span of less than a minute.
Against all odds, Kat and John Henry are the only couple to end this season happily engaged.
Theyre moving to San Diego, the land of vaguely Republican influencers.
Im so happy for them.
We also get a montage of formerParadisecouples getting married, having kids, and otherwise being happy.
Its like theyre staring out at us, insisting this works!
Maybe so, but I dont really care about these peoples actual lives once they leave my screen.
I just want to be entertained.
I dont think thats too much to ask from a television show.
