Bachelor In Paradise
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Its a weird time for bothstand-up comedyand reality television.
In other words, when everything is content, nothing is art.
This is all to say that Katie Thurston doing stand-up comedy is a signal of artistic collapse.
He does, indeed, choose Olivia.
(He doesnt have any other options, but Im excited for her to smooch a cutie.)
Nowthisis comedy Katie, take notes!
Olvia is also taking notice.
Cut to John Henry and Kat making out on a daybed (with tongue).
Kat tells us how impressed she is at John Henrys grace in the situation.
Honestly, theyre both so delusional and dumb that it could work out!
But I said that about Kat and Brayden, too, so who knows?
I have nothing to say about this moment; its too pure.
Watching Kat is like looking at an eclipse its impossible to describe, and it also hurts a little.
Uh oh, someone started expressing doubt!
That means its time for a new arrival!
A night one-er from Charitys season is also here.
The man has zero rizz.
(Can a young person kindly tell me if Im using that word correctly?)
when he pulls her to go talk.
While Rachel and Jordan talk, Eliza tells everyone that Rachel regrets sending Jordan home so soon.
When are they having these conversations?
Anyway, he takes her on a date.
The date card says to choose someone for your mind, body, and soul.
Obviously, that means tantric yoga!
Back at the beach, its time for the couples to start discussing the future.
Kylee and Aven are talking baby names: They come up with Navy and Heaven.
Okay, heres some advice about baby names from someone who recently went through this.
Never,evertell anyone your babys name before its attached to a baby.
They should have to look at a tiny human and say they hate it.
Okay, moving on.
Rachel returns from her yoga date and pretty immediately talks to Tanner.
Why is she still on my TV?
More boring stuff happens: Aaron asks Eliza to be his girlfriend, and Brayden pierces Tylers ear.
This is certainly news to me and seems to be news to Mercedes as well.
Whoever wrote it obviously is looking out for me, she tells us in a confessional.
Oh, right, Taylor is still here.
Hes waiting for a date card, but instead, Aven and Pete get a double date.
I predict these two will get engaged and break up before spring.
Sam and Pete seem like a fun hang, though.
That shit comes in the form of Katie Thurston, former Bachelorette and Blakes ex-fiancee.
These producers think theyre slick!
Okay, heres the thing about a roast.
It is a very, very specialized skill that requires a lot of trust between participants and self-awareness.
This group has none of either.
But this is a generation raised on Comedy Central who thinks a roast is just saying something mean.
These guys just have Katie Thurston.
Its not a great sign for her career that her jokes are on the same level as everyone elses.
Actually, Avens impression of Rachel was funnier than anything Katie said.
Also, I need to know what was bleeped in Tylers joke about Mercedes.
She thinks shes a Mercedes, but shes actually just a bitch is kinda funny, Im sorry.
So, yes, this roast was a disaster.
But it didnt need to be funny; it needed to stir up drama.
And that it very much did because none of these people have a sense of humor about themselves.
Rachel is really upset; Jess is too, but pretending she isnt.
(I get whiplash sometimes when the show off-handedly reminds us how insane its premise is like this.)
